Post GFtS the way I see it...

*Indebted*
by Meghan Black

Don't even ask me what I'm doing. Besides, it ought to beobvious. I'm standing here outside the Canadian consulate with acredit card in my hand. And I ain't paying for nothing.

No, wait. That ain't right. I'm paying big time.

I'm paying for not watching my partner's back. I'm paying forforgetting for a few hours just how determined and goddamnedstubborn the Mountie who resides in this building really is. I'mpaying like a mother for not being there for him.

*Snick* There ya go, baby. Slide on down for pappa. The door inthis old building was made to jimmy. I can't believe they don'tget robbed every frigging night of the week. Inside it's dark andquiet and I feel like I'm in some kind of museum. Streetlightscan't get through the heavy brocade curtains in the front entry,so I stand here, letting my eyes adjust to the shadows and anglesof the dark furniture so I don't break something.

I can't believe how quiet it is. No sounds of traffic outside (ofcourse the fact that it's 2 a.m. might have somethin' to do withthat), just a muffled sort of silence that makes my heartbeat sound like a African drum. When I start across the high gloss linoleum, the sound of my boot heels booms and echoes around thefoyer. Shit! Just announce your entrance Kowalski. Take out an adin the paper while you're at it.

His door is shut, but a slow turn of the brass knob tells me hedidn't lock it. Probably didn't expect some nosey parker to bechecking up on him in the middle of the night. I snort at thatthought. Neither one of us knows the other as well as we thoughtwe did.

Son of a bitch, he looks bad. Unlike the front of the building,the back windows make it seem like daylight. And there he is,flopped out on his stomach (probably to ease his back), nothingcovering that solid, bruised body but a thin layer of red cotton.But his face is turned this way and even in the dim light fromoutside, I can see the dark patches on his cheeks, over his eyeand around his mouth. It makes me wince just to look at him. Myhand rises to touch my own face, and I don't even want to imaginewhat that ass whoppin' felt like.

You see, I had to check on 'im. No talking, noexplanations…no apologies. I just needed to see him. Makesure he was ok after leaving the party tonight. I couldn't gohome without seeing him again. It's part of my payment.

But now that I'm here, I can't leave. Can't just walk out and gohome, safe and sound in my own warm bed while I can see he'slaying there, probably aching, even in his sleep. It shouldn't ofhappened, or at the very least…we should've shared it.

Kneeling beside his toy soldier bed, my knees are protesting. Butthe bite of hard wood floor just seems right. Another installmenton my payment plan to make this up to Fraser. So, I just kneelthere, watching 'im. Listening to the steady breathing, trying tokeep myself from reaching out. My fingers ache to touch him, tosee if he feels as solid as he looks. I can't though. I don'thave that right anymore. It will have to relearned. Re-earned.

I sigh loudly and let my butt rest back on my heels. The sighbounces around the room and I clamp my lips together to keep itfrom happening again. But he don't wake up. Just shifts and rollsover to his back, his face scrunching up in pain, even in hissleep, as the hard mattress offers little in the way of relief.

And now I'm faced with a new problem. Ah, it's more payment. Igot it now. I get to squat here in the dark, watching my partnersleep like a dead man. Watch the outline of his dick cutting into the thin cloth of those red flannels…and I can't touch him.I nod my head in silent acknowledgement. Makes sense to me.

So I swear right here and now…if I can figure out how totell him what I feel…If I get the guts to be honest…Ifall these ifs get resolved…well, I'm gonna earn the right totouch him. I'm gonna find out what he feels like under all thatitchy wool, and I'm gonna make it all up to him.

Our breathing has synced up and I feel at peace finally. I'mcontent to just sit here, watching him, breathing him in,reaching out with my heart until I can touch the real thing. I'mgood for my IOU. And it'll be more than air he gets this time.