Date: Monday, February 14, 2000 6:37 PM
From: Viridian5@aol.com
I haven't gotten any further than when I posted the WIPversion of this, so I'm releasing it in the hopes it will help meget myself into gear.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"Journey Plus Destination: Strangers on a Train"
By Viridian5 2/14/00
RATING: R; Fraser/Kowalski. If m/m interaction bothers you,walk on by.
SPOILERS: "Asylum" and "Mountie on theBounty"
SUMMARY: Fraser and Ray are forced to confront some issues.
ARCHIVING/DISTRIBUTION: Serge and Hexwood. If some kind personfeels that this story is appropriate for DSX and wouldn't mindposting it, that would be great as well. Anywhere else too, aslong as you ask me first.
FEEDBACK: Hell, yes. Feedback can be sent to
DISCLAIMERS: All things _due South_ belong to Alliance nomatter how much I want Ray K to belong to me. No infringementintended, and I laugh bitterly at the thought of being able tomake a profit on *anything* I do, thank you very much. Suing mewould be a waste of time and wouldn't be very nice of you. Besides, I'd just kick you in the head.
NOTES: There may be more to come. Being Viridian of the 5,000projects, I just have no idea when. I've already struggled withthis for months.... It doesn't help that all the cold, ice, andsnow here lately makes it harder for my writing mind to go to NewOrleans.
The train ride depicted here was extrapolated off my ride onAmtrak's "Crescent" train from New York to New Orleans.I've never been on the "City of New Orleans" train fromChicago to New Orleans, so it could be an utterly differentexperience.
For the record, I enjoyed _Night Court_.
========"Journey Plus Destination: Strangers on aTrain" By Viridian5 ======================
Fraser methodically checked every seat as he walked down theaisle. The dim gold light illuminated all the passengers as they attempted to sleep or succeeded. He'd already finished hissimilar survey of two of the train cars.
Fraser's face showed no expression, but in his mind hescreamed like a bereft child. //I compromised! You can't leave!You said you would stay. You said you would stay. You can'tleave! I compromised....// ran in an endless loop. His anger,grief, terror, and love raged so strongly within him that he feltas if he were caught in a hurricane.
He felt a little relief, though. Fraser's quarry had begunwith a substantial head start, but determination had narrowed itdown. Finding the method of travel, the destination, the trainitself, followed by finding a way to catch up with the train, hadall taken precious time and patience. He'd reached it at last at1 a.m.
Eager to help, Turnbull had been an invaluable aid withresearch, halving the work. If he had a car, he no doubt wouldhave driven like a demon to get Fraser to the train.
Ren was a romantic, after all.
Like many of the other passengers who had a seat unoccupiednext to them, Fraser's quarry was curled across two seats, hislong body just about tied into a knot to try to fit the smallspace. His head, with its spiky blond hair, had a tiny pillowunder it propped atop the metal armrest. He had his arms crossedover his face, perhaps to block out the intrusive light.
Fraser wanted to fall upon Ray and shake him awake, to hit him or kiss him or both, he did not know. He wanted to shout loudenough that he would wake the train. He couldn't think or move,could barely even breathe, just stare.
Then Ray twisted a little, trying to burrow deeper into thecushions, and made a small, hurt sound that struck Fraser to theheart.
Fraser couldn't face Ray in this state of mind. He would pourout his bile, his love, his heart. That he'd even consideredstriking his partner horrified him; doing it once, after Ray hadbegged him to in an attempt to even the score, had felt too goodand hurt too much all at once. As for kissing Ray... That too wassomething he was afraid he couldn't stop once he started, and itwould be just as violent.
Fraser settled into an empty seat behind Ray's. Waiting wouldbe good for him.
Over the next seven hours, Fraser dozed with his eyes open andlistened to Ray breathe. That calmed him a little, though atfirst he started to get up every time Ray's breathing lightenedout of sleep. He soon learned to ignore it, since it happened atleast once an hour. Apparently Ray found the seats even moreuncomfortable than Fraser did, because he kept moving around andwaking up. Sometimes he tried to use his own chair as a recliner,but he kept returning to his position across the two seats.Fraser figured that the metal seat divider would be digging intoRay's ribs. If he found that *more* comfortable....
Fraser tried not to think, but waiting in the near-dark lefthim with little else to do. He kept seeing Ray: shocked andangry, doubled over after being struck by him, set and mournful,soaking wet and scared, soaking wet and angry, drowning, intentand luminous as they discussed strategy across the hold in handsigns, smiling as they both refused their transfers. Smiling. Yetfour days later, Ray had left in a rush on this train, leavingonly a terse note, no reasons provided.
In his heart, Fraser knew why. It was him. Ray had run awayfrom him, because of him.
Fraser had found a good excuse for coming to the train byconvincing himself that Ray was in danger, which would explainthe abrupt note and departure, but what he'd wanted to do once hereached the train was find Ray and drag him back by any meansnecessary. Any means. Ray's wants and needs hadn't figured intoit at all. At one dark point, Ben had even considered binding andgagging his partner if he faced resistance. He'd thoughtlongingly of Ray being forced to stay in the consulate after theVolpe murder, subject to his will. //*Mine*. And he can't everleave....//
//Wrong. *Wrong*. No wonder he fled from me.//
At 8:10 a.m., Ray's breathing lightened into full wakefulnessand stayed that way. Fraser stood up into the aisle and looked athim. Ray sat curled in the window seat, booted feet on thefootrest, face partly leaning against the window. Light filteredthrough the dirty, tinted window gleamed dully off Ray's unrulyhair. His gaze seemed to look far away and deep inward all atonce. He looked beautiful but miserable.
//Did I do that to him?// Once again, Ben couldn't move orspeak. He could only stare.
******************************************************
Aching, Ray felt so tired. Between the hard seats and his ownharder thoughts, sleep had been impossible. At best, he'd manageda fitful doze.
The window glass felt cold against his face, even though heknew the train was down South by now. Outside, vines strangledeverything--hills, bushes, trees--under a sinister carpet,transforming the landscape. Last night's seat mate, gone thismorning during a stop at 12:30 a.m., had mentioned the infamouskudzu, brought over from Japan in World War II to battle erosion,only to become an uncontrollable menace here, a parasite. Theremust have been a drought for the vines to look that brown anddead. They gave him a gut-deep feeling of oppression andrevulsion. As they were now, they made the countryside resemblethat scene in _Kingdom of the Spiders_ that had always freakedRay out the worst, the one where the movie ended with the wholetown completely covered in spider webs.
//So, I'm away. Do I understand what's going on with me, *in*me, yet? What's going on with me and Fraser? Who I am when he'snot around?//
Something made Ray turn his head. "Jesus!" he gaspedas he saw Fraser, in his Mountie uniform, standing there in theaisle. Watching him. For how long?
"Good morning, Ray," Fraser said without his usualwarmth, then sat next to Ray.
Even though Ray had to restart his heart, he wasn't entirelysurprised. He'd thought that Fraser might come after him. He'dspent last night afraid that Fraser would, afraid that Fraserwouldn't.
Fraser radiated tension and said nothing. It reminded Ray ofthat charged feeling the world sometimes got before it rained.
The silence choked him, but he wanted to delay The Talk heknew was coming. If he could just endure the silence, staystrong, avoid thinking that Fraser felt angry and hurt....
"I don't think train travel is for me," Ray saidsuddenly as he looked back toward the window. Talking felt likegetting that first breath of air after the long, dangerous swimin the Henry Allen, painful yet good and necessary.
"Why not?" Fraser asked like a perfect straight man.Ray had a sudden image of the two of them in an old movie asvaudeville performers, each feeding the other lines like:"And why is that, Mr. Ray?"
Yeah, it had been a rough night.
"I like road trips. Cars are way better for travelingthan trains."
To Ray's relief, Fraser continued to play along. "Yettrains are more economical and better for the environment."
"Wow. That was a big Canadian moment. Look, we Americanslove our cars. If they'd been around back then, the right todrive would be guaranteed in the Bill of Rights, I swear. Gettingout on the road and just *going*...." It was the AmericanDream: if you just kept moving, everything would work out fine."It's mythic. Like going on a pilgrimage. We all think aboutheading out West, traveling Route 66 in a classicconvertible...."
"I thought that was more marketing than mythology,Ray."
"Maybe. But maybe marketing has become mythology; ya everthink of that? And when you drive you can stop and start whereand whenever ya want. Eat when ya want, sleep when ya want.Driving is like casting yer vote, self-determination. Freeexpression. Behind the wheel, you are the master of yer owndestiny. If you see something on the side of the road you couldjust pull over fer a visit. Going by car leaves you open to thehappy surprises, the stuff you never knew existed and wouldn'tfind any other way. Damn, what do you call that happy surprisething, starts with an S...."
"Serendipity?"
To Ray's relief, their conversation almost sounded normal.Well, for them. "Yeah! Exactly. See, a plane is great if youwant to just get somewhere. With a car, what you see and do alongthe way is part of the point. Airplanes are all aboutdestination, but road tripping by car is journey plusdestination. It's spiritual-like."
"What does that have to do with trains?"
"Trains take longer and let you see stuff along the way,but you can't open the window to feel the sun on yer skin orsmell the air. Yer held apart from it; it doesn't touch you. Youmight as well be at home watching TV with scenery like that. It'slike being handcuffed just out of reach of yer favorite foodwhile yer starving. Since you can't interact, you should justtake the plane. And you have no control. You move when the traingoes. You have to stop at assigned stops that have nothing to dowith what you wanna do."
And Ray had realized that you couldn't lose yourself on atrain. If anything, train travel gave you too much time to thinkabout exactly who you were. Sometimes you didn't really want toknow who you were as much as you thought you did. //Found thatout for myself. Still don't know who I am, but I'm not so sure Ilike some of the stuff I'm seeing in my head anyway.//
Fraser's voice made a welcome distraction from that train ofthought. "So you're saying that you prefer to feel incontrol, to have the ability to start and stop when youlike."
"Yeah, but doesn't everybody?" //I get the feelinghe's not just talking about traveling anymore. Huh. In a way, Ithink I'm not either.//
"Ray, why did you go?" Fraser's voice was so quiet,but Ray could hear the hurt.
It was The Talk, looming over him like an 800-pound gorilla."I just needed to get away fer a bit. Leaving, distance,gives you a better look around you at yer every day, usual life.It's like one of those Impressionist paintings where it lookslike a smear of nothing up close but makes more sense if ya lookat it from far away. Makes a picture. That Harry Andersonthing--"
"Henry Allen," Fraser said in a monotone, as if hedidn't *really* care but was physically incapable of letting amistake pass unnoticed. Not his normal way.
//Damn, usually he gets such a kick out of it when I give himsomething to correct me on.// "Fraser...."
"We weren't aboard the actor."
"If ya wanna call him that. Anyway, the boat... the shipthing was stressful, and I needed time and someplace different tothink." Ray leaned closer to the window to try to get awayfrom the tension thrumming from the seat next to him. He didn'tsucceed. "I left you a note. I didn't want you toworry."
Fraser pulled it out of his Stetson and carefully unfolded it."Yes, your note. 'Need to be away for a while. Be back in afew days. Ray.'" He sounded dead and cold.
"Says it all, I think."
"It says nothing."
Ray couldn't breathe. Fraser was seeing this as deeplypersonal. //And why not? Sure, ya realized you almost diedmultiple times in that last thing we worked on, but it's reallyall about him. He's the one yer running from."Fraser-knows-best" him and his crazy life and the wayhe makes yer life crazy and the way you want to just grab him andkiss him again anyway....// "I felt like I had to movefast."
"You had the time to tell Francesca to feed yourturtle."
"He's not like you or Dief; he can't hunt or gather. It'dbe cruel to leave him to starve. Besides, I think he was pissedthat I got involved in the Henry Anderson thing--"
"Allen."
Normally Ray would have joked around by asking, "TheAllen Anderson?" but now didn't feel right for it at all.Instead, Ray said, "I think he was pissed I went off afterthe ghost ship without making sure somebody took care ofhim."
When that met with silent agreement, Ray had to swallow asmile. Most people would have immediately replied, "He's a*turtle*; how could he pissed at anyone? And how do you tellanyway?" But Fraser just had a look of utter belief on hisface. If Ray believed that his turtle was upset, it must havebeen upset. The way Diefenbaker tended to be pissy all the timejust made it more possible.
Met with dead silence, Ray started to talk, needing to fillit. "Fraser, it's like why I'm going to New Orleans. It'snot Mardi Gras now, and I'm not all that big on jazz. I like it,but it's not a passion. I'll have a drink once in a while, but Itry to stay away from heavy drinking since-- Well, that don'tmatter. I'm only going to New Orleans because I needed someplacecompletely different from Chicago, and the train was leaving atthe right time. The trip down's gonna be about 20 hours long,after all. In *coach*. With my back? I'm already dying here. I...I don't even remember the ride to the train station." Raymanaged to shut up after that.
Ray hadn't meant to say that much, be that honest. If hadn'tstopped there, he might have coughed up everything he felt aboutFraser too.
But somehow he got the feeling that his confession had helped,that Fraser didn't feel so hurt and angry at him anymore. Atleast, Ray didn't get those vibes now. He turned to look at hispartner. He had to look away again. Fraser looked so concerned.
"I didn't know you were in such difficulty, Ray."Fraser's voice made it sound that the Mountie felt he *should*have known.
"Well, it wasn't yer fault." //Yes, it was! All ofit! Everything was fine until you *touched* me....// Ray toldthat inner voice to shut up. "It only hit me yesterday. Iwas fine for almost four days, then I was filling out some boringreport and bam!"
"I assumed.... We have faced death before."
//Yeah, that's all there is to it. Keep on believing that,buddy.// "Yeah, and I'm a cop, which ups the possibility ofme not dying in bed of old age. I kinda accepted the thought thatsome mook with a gun could end it all for me. Occupationalhazard. Drowning wasn't part of that. Wandering lost under thelake in some sub until we died of thirst or turned on one anotherwasn't part of that."
"You think I could turn on you, Ray?"
Ray swallowed. "Not really. I couldn't turn on youneither. I *could* see you trying to sacrifice yerself for me,though, and that would kill me." Unable to deal with howsoppily emotional he was getting, Ray lightened his tone andasked, "So, how did you get Amtrak to cough up the goods onme?"
"I told them you left your anti-psychotic medicine athome, and it was vital I bring it to you."
Ray turned to look at Fraser. "You told 'em I was apsycho?"
"Not at all. I merely told them you had a mental illnessthat you needed help managing, help that I had to provide. It wasthat or claim you were a criminal; they would not help me trackyou any other way. I commend them for their regard for theircustomers' privacy. Besides, you function perfectly well as longas you take your medication."
"So I'm not just a psycho, I'm a *forgetful* psycho?Geez, I'm never gonna be able to take Amtrak again."
"You did say you never wanted to take the trainagain," Fraser said in his prissiest voice, but the warmthbeneath it made Ray feel a bit better.
But not better enough to avoid needling Fraser. "Wiseass.You lied yer way to finding me."
"I felt you were in danger, so I bent the rulesslightly."
"Are you pulling an 'ends justify the means' on me here?You?"
"Not at all. Desperate times need desperatemeasures."
"Ends justifying the means."
Fraser sidestepped it nicely. "I was worried aboutyou."
"Yeah. Yeah, so was I." //Damn, why don't I justgive it all away? Idiot.// Ray took a deep breath. "So.What're you gonna do now?"
"I don't understand."
"You found me; you caught up with me; you know I'm okay.What now?"
"I didn't... didn't think that far ahead."
The confession--that peek beneath the Mountie mask of ever-preparedness, ever-knows-bestness--surprised Ray. With his upsetgone or at least lessened, Fraser seemed to have been left at aloss. Ray had a thought about lightening the atmosphere by jokingabout Fraser tying him up and hauling him back to Chicago butdidn't do it. He had an odd feeling that he might not like theresponse he got.
"We're already more than halfway to New Orleans,Frase."
"Understood."
//I doubt it.// "Do... do you wanna go with me? I mean,strictly speaking, that's what yer doing now, but yer doing itpassive-like. The train's going there, yer on the train, so yergoing to New Orleans. I mean, do you *want* to end up there withme, stay a little while?"
Fraser looked surprised. "Do you want me to, Ray?"
//Do I?// He'd gotten on the train to get *away* from Fraser,but he'd taken Fraser with him in his head even before theMountie had arrived in the flesh. The boring ride so far hadgiven him too much time to think and brood. Maybe he should justlet The Talk happen if it was inevitable, and if having Frasersitting next to him with nothing else to do for eight hoursbrought it on faster, at least he wouldn't have to wait for itand worry anymore.
"Yeah. If you want to." It made Ray feel oddlybetter.
Fraser nearly glowed, but then his face fell. "I have myduties. Besides, I don't have much money, and I certainly don'thave much with me."
"Call the Ice Queen and get some days off. You never takeany. Tell her that it's to take care of a friend or something.And credit cards aren't just for picking locks. We can get yousome clothing when we arrive."
"Ray?"
"Yer not gonna wear that uniform for days and days."
"I will pay you back."
"Whatever. It's okay. But you are not getting us involvedin anything justice-oriented while we're in town, do yaunderstand me? You think Chicago law enforcement doesn'tappreciate Mounties mixing it in? New Orleans police would be,like, 100 times worse. And I can't do a thing because I'm aChicago flatfoot *way* outta my jurisdiction. We're in town ascivilians. You get me?" Ray decided not to mention theNOPD's famous reputation for corruption. Last thing he needed wasFraser getting on his white horse to call a crusade.
"Understood."
"Good, because I'm not gonna forget we had this littletalk."
"Ray, I'll have to purchase a ticket."
"Sure. You can't board the train by force for the wayback."
"Of course, but I also have to purchase one for ourcurrent ride."
"Why? Yer already on!"
"It's the right thing to do."
"Yeah, yeah. Okay. I know you can buy an upgrade from thefolks working the train while yer on it, so maybe you can buytickets that way too. That guy at the end of the car should beable to do it."
"Thank you, Ray. I'll be right back."
"Sure."
******************************************************
To Ben's consternation, the employee refused to let himpurchase any tickets no matter how hard and long he persisted."We're just glad you're here," the man said as he keptcasting nervous glances in Ray's direction. Perhaps Ben wouldhave been better off finding someone who hadn't been there lastnight as he'd made his case for getting on the train.
Ben had the urge to chide the man for discrimination but justaccepted graciously with a "Thank you kindly." Askingsomeone else after this refusal would be rude. He supposed hewould have to accept this ride, then get his return ticket whenthey reached the terminal.
When Ben reached their seats, Ray looked up from the book hewas reading and smiled a little. "How is everything?"he asked. He had his glasses on, and Ben lost a moment admiring him in them. The thick, clunky frames didn't flatter his face,wouldn't flatter anyone's face, yet they had such character--theydid *something*, indefinable, for Ray--that Ben wished he wouldwear them more often.
Even aside from the way they improved Ray's ability to see.Ben had tried them on once out of curiosity and been appalled byhow strong the prescription truly was. Ray had to be nearly blindwithout them, yet preferred to conduct his life that way.
"Everything's fine. No, you don't have to stop readingfor me. Was I gone that long?"
"Let's put it this way: I was beginning to think ya'dneed backup. It's really okay if I read?"
//Was I that frightening during our earlier conversation?//"Please do."
"Thanks, Frase." Ray went back to _The IllustratedMan_.
//I didn't intimidate him into inviting me to be with him, didI?// It didn't seem so; Ray appeared to be relaxed, though stillas fidgety as usual. That made the invitation a genuine expression of Ray's feelings.
//But he did invite me, and there's no way he can escape me onthis train. Life is already better.//
It also made Ben very glad he'd waited to confront Ray.
Ben passed the time by surreptitiously observing the train carand its passengers. Most of them looked tired and a bit frazzled,directly contradicting the advertisements he saw from thiscompany. All the while he was aware of Ray moving beside him. Raystretched and turned, crossed his legs under him in what hecalled Indian style, straightened his legs, adjusted hisrecliner, started all over again. Ben also noticed that Rayhadn't turned many pages, and he knew his partner read muchfaster than this.
Ray finally put his book down on the tray and pinched thebridge of his nose. "I should have taken a novel. I loveBradbury, but I keep getting knocked out of the book at the endof each short story." He took off his glasses. "Wait,who's taking care of Dief?"
"Turnbull is looking after him. I'll have to call Ren aswell."
"Bet he was pissed at being left out of it."
At first Ben thought Ray referred to Ren but quickly realizedwhom Ray was talking about. "I fear Diefenbaker will be asupset about it as your turtle was. I didn't have the time toexplain the matter to him; I just left."
Ray smirked. "Can I be around when you get back to him? Iwanna see that tantrum. Nobody does sullen and ticked off likethat wolf does."
"I can't guarantee you that you'll get to see that, butI'm sure you'll be around for the days of wolf-inflicted tormentthat will follow."
It bothered Ben that they were staying on such doggedlyneutral conversational grounds, but at least they were talking.Something about Ray suggested that he needed to be coaxed intorelaxing, slowly gentled like you would a cornered animal. It washard to be patient, but Ben knew the reward of having Ray backwould make it more than worth it.
"Y'know, I've never seen so many broken-down, abandonedfactories in my life," Ray said. "So much for seeingAmerica by rail."
"Actually, it makes perfect sense. Factories used therail system to ship their goods. As your country shifts from anindustrial to an information technology concentration--"
*****
Much later:
"'Southern serves the South'? Am I missing somethinghere?" Ray asked. "If you name yerself 'Southern,'*shouldn't* you serve the South?"
"Ray, most of Southern's train cars also claim that'Southern gives the green light to innovation,' yet almost everycar we've seen has appeared to be ancient, badly rusted, and inill repair."
"Ah. So yer saying the company has lost all touch withreality."
"It would appear so."
"Hey, are we moving fast enough that the trees look likethey're speed lines, just moving streaks of color, or do I justneed my glasses?"
"Intriguing."
"Cool. We have speed lines."
A nasal voice over the loudspeaker announced the opening ofthe dining car for lunch and the meal's items. Ray flinched atthe sound as if he'd heard nails scratching down a chalkboard."Guy might think he's the second coming of Walter Winchell,but his voice makes me crazy. What're you grinning about?"
"Irony."
"Whatever." Ray's eyes narrowed, but his good natureremained unfazed. "Was that a crack about my voice?"
"Your accent actually."
"Yer the one with the accent, Frase, not me."
"Actually, I enjoy listening to you talk."
"That's as it should be," Ray said with a smile."I'm hungry. Wanna get some real food?"
*****
Ray looked at his plate with wide eyes. "This is one ofthe largest pieces of pie anyone has ever expected me toeat." He settled back into the dining car booth seat as ifhe needed to get further away from the slice to see it in itsentirety and understand how to attack it.
Ben had been pleased to watch Ray clean his plate of real,nutritious food after hours of manic snacking, especially sincereal food could calm him, but didn't know if even Ray couldvanquish the monstrous dessert currently on his dish. "Arethose shavings of white chocolate piled on top?"
"Yep, and I resent them tainting my chocolate mousse withthat sissy fake chocolate." Ray regarded the tall piece ofpie. "Well, they say what doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger.Bottoms up."
"I doubt you'll be able to finish it."
"Probably not. Wanna share?"
//It might be too rich....// "All right."
"Great." Ray swept the white chocolate curls off hispie.
"You're not going to eat those?"
"I don't like this stuff. There's no real chocolate in itat all. Always thought that was the worst con when I was a kid.Actually, I still think it's a con."
Ben tried a curl. "It's... very sweet."
"It's cute when yer trying to be diplomatic, but life'stoo short to eat bad fake chocolate. You can have 'em, if youlike."
"No, I think I'll take your advice."
Ray grinned. "You should say that more often." Heplayfully spun his fork before bringing it down on the pie,making a clinking sound as metal hit the plate. When he slippedit in his mouth, his eyes briefly closed and his lips quirked,giving him a slightly decadent look as he apparently savored hischocolate. "Mmmm. That's the stuff. Dig in."
As Ben remembered the last time he'd seen that look on Ray'sface, he had to take a deep breath to beat down his arousal. Hedistracted himself by reaching across the table to take a smallpiece for himself. Strong flavors exploded in his mouth, rich,sweet, and bitter all at once. The crunchy crust was an evendarker chocolate. Again, decadent.
"Well?" Ray asked.
"It's excellent, but I think too much would make mesick."
"Yeah, figuring out what 'too much' is may be life's bigstruggle. More?"
"Yes, please."
It amazed Ben how intimate sharing a piece of pie could seem.They ate in appreciative silence until their forks collided witha loud clatter, meshing the tines. Ray smirked, unlatched hisfork, and started to fight Ben's with it.
"Ray, what are you doing?"
"Fork duel. You laid down the gauntlet, and I haveta takeit up. Have at ya!"
"Ray!"
"I'm going to keep smacking yer fork and making a racketwith it until I annoy you into fighting back."
"Is that how it shall be?"
"'Fraid so."
"You leave me with no choice, then."
"None."
They fought in a loud clatter of silverware, annoying somediners and entertaining others, across the table until the waiterasked them to stop. Certain he was flushed with pleasant exertionand embarrassment, Ben sat back and set his weapon on the table.Apparently unrepentant, Ray beamed and laughed under his breath.
"That was fun. More pie?" Ray asked.
"I think not. It seems to be an incitement to riot."
"Yer just not used to the sugar rush." Ray savoredthe rest of the pie at his own speed no matter how darkly thewaiter glared at them to try to make them leave. One would thinkhe didn't notice the looks at all.
//One would think that if one didn't notice the darklymischievous looks Ray's occasionally firing back from under hislashes.// Ben had to keep his hands at his sides just to keepthem off Ray.
Ray spent an inordinate amount of time on his last bit of piebefore putting cash on top of the bill and getting up to leave.As Ben stood, he gave thanks that his serge tunic hung as fardown as it did. He'd enjoyed Ray's antics far too much.
Once they left the dining car, both walking with a precarioussway as the train trundled over a rough patch of rail, Ben said,"You're evil, Ray."
"Payback pure and simple. The employees have beenborderline rude all the way. They're polite, but in that nasty,intimidating way. Yesterday I was wandering the cars for a bitbecause I was bored, and one of them looked me up and down withthis sneer and asked, 'Can I help you?' in that way that means'Get the hell away from me.' Last night, the waiter we just hadmade me wait to be served for 15 minutes while he shot the shitwith one of his buddies. He didn't have any other tables to workon either, so that's no excuse.
"I had fun; you had fun; we didn't hurt nobody. Where'sthe harm?" The next lurch almost put Ray on an older woman'slap with Ben nearly following. "Sorry, ma'am," Raysaid.
"That's all right," she answered with what Ben sawas a lascivious smile. He took Ray's arm under the guise of steadying him and walked them away quickly.
Ben found the water closet facilities at the end of the car."Excuse me, Ray." He opened the door onto a tiny space,one that was standing room only. "Oh." //So thisinability to breathe is what claustrophobia feels like?//
Ray understood instantly. "You can use the handicappedfacilities, Frase."
"That would be dishonest."
"Look, nobody's handicapped in this car but you. You havea handicap that won't let ya fit comfortably in something thesize of a shoebox. In society at large, that's just common sense.Here, it's a problem, a handicap. So use the other one. I give yamy permission as a Chicago cop. Anybody asks, say the nicepoliceman made ya do it." He smirked. "The nicepoliceman who's a psycho."
"Thank you, Ray." Feeling a bit guilty, Ben slid thedoor open. This facility was small as well, but far more spaciousand comfortable by comparison.
When the train lurched again, Ben was wedged in the doorway,but Ray stumbled. Ben grabbed him again, this time fully aware ofwarm skin beneath his fingers when before he'd just needed to getthem away from that woman. //This is how our problems started,but I can't let go.//
"Fraser?"
Ben saw enough answering heat in Ray's eyes to help him pullhis partner in with him and slide the door shut and lock it.There was just enough room for two people to stand if they stoodvery close. This close, Ray's own scent almost blocked out thesmells of harsh chemicals, ammonia, and metal. Ben rememberedanother time, different scents: Ray, serge, pizza, leather,furniture polish, a jarring note of Ren. Their first time.
In the consulate. While on duty, no less. Ben knew heshouldn't have but had been completely unable to help himself....
//Ray twitched under my hands as I started to undo the uniformhe looked so wonderful in. Ray shouldn't have been wearing it; itwas highly improper, nearly an insult to the Queen, for a non-Mountie to don it, and he'd no doubt convinced Ren to lend it tohim under false pretenses. None of that mattered. I was alreadypondering excuses to dress Ray up again another time.
//"...so Turnbull gave me the uniform off his back,saying his others just wouldn't work." Ray's breathinghitched as I opened the velcro collar, which made the inevitableloud, tearing sound. "Y'know, he wears this kinda citrusscent. I think it's lime. Nothing like you; yer usually eitherspicy or almond-y. Or kinda pine-scented. It was nice, though.Shit, I'm babbling. Just haven't had anyone un-- Nevermind."
//"Hmm." I thought of Ren standing there in hisunderwear having to dress Ray in the uniform as I was nowundressing him. I would have to have a talk with Ren.
//"What does that 'hmmm' mean? It's not like 'ah,' isit?"
//"Does it make a difference?"
//Ray sighed. "Not really. I don't know what yer 'ah'means either."
//He was utterly pliant under my fingers. I wanted to strokehim, even more than usual. The uniform truly did flatter him, andI think it made him stand straighter. I told myself that thecrackle I perceived between us now was simply a delusion broughton by my desire for him.
//I couldn't undress him while looking at his face, so Istared down at the serge as I worked. "Well then. There youare."
//"Yeah, right back where I started. Nowhere." Hefidgeted. "I can't strip out of this rig all easy like youcan."
//I almost laughed at the thought of how an ignorant passerbywould interpret that sentence. "It just needspractice."
//"Kinky." His voice sounded lower, deeper.
//I finally looked up at him instead of keeping my attentionon the tunic buttons. I couldn't possibly misinterpret the heatin his eyes, the way he leaned toward me.
//"Ray...."
//"Yes."
//I knew it wasn't him answering to his name. It was yes.
//I lost and found myself in his kiss.//
Ray's hands clenching on Ben's Sam Browne brought him backfrom his memories. Ben had to keep his own grip on Ray loose.They both moved in for the kiss. Ben tasted chocolate with anundertone of coffee, and it made him purr to think Ray's mouthtasted almost the same as his. It was so damned good, whycouldn't it stay that way?
"You don't know why?" Ray whispered back againstBen's lips.
"I didn't mean to say--"
"I know." Ray moved back against the door. Away. Inthese close confines that wasn't far, but it made its point. Itfelt vast. "It was good. It was so damned good I couldn'teven remember how to dress myself afterward. Then later you saidyou were my friend, and I could trust ya, and we did itagain."
Ben closed his eyes, remembering how it had felt to strip Rayout of the flannel shirt he'd lent him. Ray had been beaming,incredulous, giving....
"I was drunk on it, on you. I thought... I guess Ithought it meant something it didn't really."
"I don't understand."
The stark, white light seemed to drain Ray of color, makinghim look nearly dead. "You changed with me after that,stopped listening. Stopped trusting my judgment."
Ben opened his mouth to refute that, but he remembered thearguments, remembered that punch. On the replica of the Bountyhe'd sworn to listen to and trust in Ray. He would do that. Raysmiled a little, and it warmed Ben to see he'd made the rightcall.
"I tried to figure out what the hell was going on. I onlycame up with one conclusion for why you suddenly went all 'I knowbest, little woman' on me."
"Ray, I would never do that." //Knowingly. Oh,Ray....//
Ray looked miserable. "That's what it *felt* like. Ithought... I thought that maybe you felt contempt for me after Iput out like that."
Ben was horrified. "Never, Ray. I would never feelcontempt for you for any reason."
"I'm just going on how things felt to me. It freaked thehell out of me, but that was all I could come up with. First ithurt like hell, then it made me really angry. At you. At me. Ateverything. I'm not the kind of guy who hits people he loves.Ever."
//He warned me first. I heard that warning once. Later he toldme he'd said it three times.// "But we resolved that."
"Kinda. In that way of resolving things without actuallyever talking about the actual problem. You were listening again.Then I didn't see ya for four days after that and started towonder how long it would take before the pattern came back. I'mthe expert on stupid patterns from the whole Stella campaign. ButI was too close, too involved, not thinking clearly."
"You needed to get away for a little while." //It*was* me. I can track a criminal across the Yukon on theflimsiest of spoor, but I can't see and understand my love'smisery when it's right in front of me.// "I'm... neithervery good or experienced at this. If I hurt or condescended toyou, I can only say that I didn't mean to at all. I love you,Ray."
Ray closed his eyes. "I needed to hear that. Intuitionand instinct don't tell me everything, y'know."
At that moment, Ben saw that he wasn't working from a positionof total weakness, because Ray wanted and needed him in return."Now that I know what I was doing, I can avoid it. I wantthis to work."
"That's good. I do too." Ray smiled. "I'llleave ya alone to do yer business now. We've been in here way toolong." He closed the door behind him.
Ray's words of mutual devotion should have lessened the weighton Ben's chest but only increased it somehow. //I went too farand nearly drove him away. I'll make this work, whatever ittakes. I won't lose him again.//
*****************************************************
Ray could barely feel his knees as he walked back to his seat.//Feels like that fight-or-flight thing left me.// No shouting,no accusations, and Fraser had promised to fix things. Fraser hadlooked hurt, but not as hurt as he might have. The Talk had gonefar better than Ray had expected. //Maybe this'll work after all.It'll be good to have him back. I was so damned happy during mytime at the consulate... while I was hiding out in"Canada" ducking a frame-up murder charge. I didn'tused to be this nuts. I'm as unhinged as he is.//
Before Fraser, Ray's life had been only normal crazy. Okay, "normal crazy" for an often undercover cop was a bitdifferent then regular normal crazy, but partnering with theMountie had brought things to a new level of strangeness.
And Ray was starting to like it. //Nuts.//
When Fraser came back and sat besides him, Ray had to shakehis head at how they were together. Declaring their devotion andnearly getting it on while in the can, no less. //At least I'llnever be bored.//
Fraser looked normal, good, which made Ray feel better. Fraserdidn't seem to have any hard feelings about The Talk, so NewOrleans would be good to go. Ray couldn't help feeling psychedthat he'd have company; a trip that had started as a headlong runfor cover might turn out to be a fun vacation after all. Ifclearing the air let them get back to the whatever-it-was they'dstarted at the consulate, even better. He'd spent so much timewanting to touch Fraser again lately that having license to wouldbe a treat.
Fraser smiled in response, making Ray realize that he'd beensmiling at his partner for some time now. //Sometimes I put the"sap" in sappy, but right now I just don't care.//
"How long until we arrive, Ray?"
Ray smirked at the sudden mental image of a Li'l Fraserrepeatedly whining, "Are we there yet?" The fact thatit would never happen only made it funnier. "Only four morehours until we hit Crescent City. I can't wait."
****************************************************
Five hours later, Ben was beginning to think that if the trainran any further off schedule Ray would explode into tiny piecesor vibrate until he lost molecular integrity, much like theCorvette engines his partner had told him about that eventuallyshook themselves apart.
Once Ray realized he was being watched, he smiled and said,"Sorry. I just--"
"--hate waiting. You were three weeks premature."
That phrase brought back fond memories and the horrifiedrealization that he could remember with fondness being tied to achair so the police to find and take Ray away. Ray's presence hadmade it fond.
Ray's head lying across his boot had helped too.
"Now we're running backwards? Please don't let this be usgoing back the way we-- Hey, we're backing into the station.Finally!"
Once they reached a full stop, Ray retrieved his carry-on bagsfrom the overhead compartment, and they disembarked. Clinging,humid heat hit them instantly. Ray put his things down on theconcrete and stripped off a few top layers, leaving his arms bareto the shoulders, revealing that odd tattoo he had. Ben couldonly stare like a deer caught in oncoming headlights.
Ray noticed but misinterpreted. "You really should takeyer tunic off."
Ben had a number of instinctive responses to fight down beforehe could even answer Ray with an alarmingly distracted-sounding"What?"
"I didn't think this New Orleans thing through for ya.You're from the deep north, and I just brought you to HumidityTown here. I'm getting images of aFrosty-the-Snowman-in-the-greenhouse-style meltdown here. Just apuddle of water where ya used to be. So you should take off yertunic. Besides, yer not a Mountie here, remember? We'll get youregular clothes soon, but I don't think you can afford to staybundled up till then."
"Understood."
As Ben stripped out of his tunic, he felt cooler but alsobereft of some of his usual controls on himself, the constraintsof duty. Right now, he didn't mind. Setting aside his usualattire, usual duties, and usual surroundings provided no realexcuse, but the usual limitations he put on his behavior nolonger seemed as necessary.
Ray had consented. Ray still wanted him....
Ben had a few calls to make, a ticket and clothing to buy,and, no doubt, a hotel to reach. He would do all of these thingswith his usual even, good nature.
But the moment he had Ray somewhere private and appropriate,he would indulge his addiction for his partner for as long as hecould with no guilt at all.
**********************THE END***********************
More Viridian5 stories can be found in The Green Room athttp://members.tripod.com/~drovar/viridian/ Fandoms represented:due South, X-Files, the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie, Two Guysand a Girl (was Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place), Once aThief, Angel, X-Men, Hard Core Logo, Doctor Who