"Long, Long Way from Home" By Viridian5 3/21/00

RATING: NC-17; Fraser/Kowalski. If m/m interaction bothersyou, walk away now.
SPOILERS: "Call of the Wild;" small things from"Victoria's Secret," "North,""Mask," and "Mountie on the Bounty." SUMMARY:Fraser is forced to desperate measures to save Ray and himself.So is Ray.
ARCHIVAL/DISTRIBUTION: Serge and Hexwood. If some kind personfeels that this story is appropriate for DSX and wouldn't mindposting it, that would be great as well. Anywhere else too, aslong as you ask me first.
FEEDBACK: can be sent to Viridian5@aol.com
DISCLAIMERS: All things _Due South_ belong to Alliance no matterhow much I want Ray K to belong to me. No infringement intended.Suing me would be a waste of time. Besides, I'd just kick you inthe head.
NOTES: Third in the Borderlands series after "Amigos"and "One for Sorrow." Inspirational albums: _The ThreeCalamities_ by Switchblade Symphony and _Ultra_ by Depeche Mode.Thanks to R for read-through above and beyond the call of duty(out, damned typos!), insightful comments, and inspiring a fixfor a pressing narrative problem of mine. Thanks to Kasha forread-through, discussion, and comments. Thanks to Latonya forread-through and comments. Thanks to Te for encouragement on alate-breaking dream sequence I worried might be Too Much. Thanksto Ladonna for some help on the mystical stuff.

========== "Long, Long Way from Home" By Viridian5============
"Be ware that you go
Open up your eyes..." -- "NakedBirthday" by Switchblade Symphony ----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hmm, crevasse again. Popular, that. Oh, glad you couldmake it, son."

I thought I might be dreaming but couldn't be sure. Outsidethe circle of light cast by our campfire, the usual cold,impenetrable darkness waited. Had I conquered that old nightmareat last? Better yet, conquered by *our* fire. Joy, warm andbright as sunshine, suffused me. "Dad? I thought I'd neversee you again!"

But then my father looked up to reveal eyes that were blackand strange all the way across. A bird's eyes, just as the cloakhe wore over the Mountie uniform appeared to be made of glossyraven feathers. "Welcome." He threw a handful of carvedbones onto a blanket and carefully studied the results."Hmm, hypothermia again? He did that before. The lad shouldshow some originality."

My rage nearly blinded me in its intensity. "You willrelinquish my father's appearance *now*."

"Will I? I could have made myself look exactly like himif I'd wished." Another throw. "Gangrene. There's ahorrible way to go. Slow. Painful. For the victim and the manwatching him suffer."

"Now."

"Consider yourself fortunate I did not choose to foolyou." Smoke curled around him, and I could see vagueskull-like shapes swirling within it.

"If this is meant to be a joke, it's not a funnyone."

"Of course, you don't know where your father went when heleft with your mother. It must be hard losing him twice."

"Do you know where he is?"

"But I'm not here to tell you about your father, youknow. I'm really not sure where your kind go when you die beforeyou come back."

"Oh, really. And where is here?"

"A true place inside you. You always knew that on theinside you were cold and dark, didn't you? No, I'm here toforetell for your partner. Not that he needs me to when youalready did in the crevasse. I believe you said something aboutthe hand of Franklin possibly being the hand of death." Hecast the bones again and winced. "Animal attack. Wait, thedogs are.... No, two are dead, and so is your partner."

Before I'd even realized it, I gripped the stranger by thethroat. "Is that a threat?"

The man in the feathered cloak continued to smile no matterhow tightly I squeezed. "From me? No. You're the only threatto him. Why, once upon a time I could do a cast for him and neverknow what I'd get. Man like him doesn't stay to as narrow a pathas most, not when his disposition has many eyes, many feet, manydirections. But now, it's death, death, and death."

"We all die eventually. R--" Suddenly I had a fearof using Ray's name in front of this creature. "My partnerhimself once said that life itself is a death sentence."

"But how sad that his death is stalking him closer andcloser. So many ways to die in the Territories, but his deathsmainly fall into two categories. One has him dying fast or alone,never knowing how you feel about him. The other has youconfessing as he lies dying nearby, neither of you able to do athing with it but regret. How classical."

"I don't believe you." I couldn't believe him,didn't dare.

"And each of the two has him going mad first. Oh, don'tget me wrong. He's one tough little bastard; it's the only reasonhe's made it through so far. Ironically, it's his very toughnessand refusal to give up that will lay him low. It's inevitable. Oryou could say that he goes sane while the rest of the world staysmad, which won't be any easier for him.

"But you don't have to believe me. Wait and watch. Maybeit will be more entertaining seen up close. Buck up, son!Forewarned is forearmed. Then again, maybe it's too late and mywarning can only give you a better appreciation of what'shappening as it occurs."

I awoke and loosened my too-tight hold on Ray, who slept inthe sleeping bag with me. Ray smiled in his sleep, but Iremembered how he'd been earlier this evening. Haunted, angry,nervous, afraid, seeing things I couldn't, trying to be casual ashe asked which direction east was and if he could have our saltpacket. Why? No reason.... He'd exploded when I'd refused tohumor his requests.

Perhaps Ray had already gone mad; I certainly feared so.

Yet Diefenbaker and the dogs had seen something too, though Icouldn't be sure if they saw what Ray thought he'd seen. I had noproof of anything.

I understood what my dream was trying to tell me. If wecontinued our quest for the hand of Franklin, Ray would suffer,no matter how fervently I tried to protect him. He alreadysuffered. It had to end and I had to end it for him, since hispride and enthusiastically self-sacrificing nature wouldn't lethim do it. Ray would return to his home terrain of Chicago and bewell.

I would lose him. For his own good.

In the morning, we would turn around.

******************************************************

I ran for my life through an alley rendered in thick blacksand bleeding neon colors. Red light stained the puddles of filthmy boots splashed through as I fled through the fetidly hotnight. Most of my surroundings seemed to be made up of unnaturalplanes and sharp angles, like in a cubist's nightmare.

Unnatural. The City. I didn't belong here....

Just above the pounding of my heart I could hear my pursuer'sheavy breathing.

I couldn't look back. It would get me for sure if I did. Icould hear it running surefooted while I stumbled over trash andunexpected debris.

Here, I was no experienced hunter. Here, I was hapless prey.

Something heavy hit me from behind. I went down on hands andknees before striking my chin and then my cheek, unable to moveonce I stopped my tumble to the concrete. My pursuer roughlyturned me onto my back to face it.

My Rays would have called the soot-colored creature that saton my chest a junkyard dog, one of those large, rangy, feral-eyedbeasts trained to attack and kill. Their owners supposedly abusedand starved them to make them vicious. A brown leather collarencircled its neck tight enough to choke it. It bared itsfearsome teeth as it slavered over me. Blue eyes shot throughwith gold focused on me with either hatred or hunger.

Then the large dog melted and became Ray. He too wore a brownleather collar closed cruelly tight around his pale neck andsmiled hungrily as he continued to pin me down. "Who were yaexpecting? The Easter Bunny?"

"Ray? I don't understand."

"'Course ya don't. You wanted to take me away from allthis? Put a collar and leash on me? Mark me as yer very own andsit me on yer lap like yer personal lapdog? *Own* me? Well, thisis what ownership does to me. Like it?"

"No, Ray. I don't want that at all."

"No? Ya sure?"

I didn't want to want to own him....

He just smiled as if he'd heard me. "Wanna see what it'slike?"

Ray kissed me, his still sharp teeth rubbing against my lips,his hands running possessively through my hair as he lifted myhead off the concrete a bit. He rubbed against me in long,sensual waves as he plundered my mouth. It left me gasping,burning, melting.

He pulled his mouth from mine with a last, lingering lick andsmiled, all teeth.

He tore my throat out.

I awoke with a gasp and put my free hand to my neck. The otherarm remained trapped under Ray, who looked sweet and utterlyhuman. I shuddered.

Was my mind so sick that I could pervert Ray and his image insuch a way? Apparently so. In any case, my dream had exaggeratedand exposed my darkest fears rather neatly.

As I lay awake the rest of the night, my arms kept alternatingbetween trying to crush him to me and trying to push him away. Mybrain remained too confused to decide the question. There had tobe a healthy middle ground....

No matter what else I did, I kept stroking his hair.

******************************************************

Hours later, Ray awoke and stretched, the movement a sweettorture to me even through all the clothing we wore. Iimmediately loosened my hold on him.

"'Morning," Ray said. "Sleep good?"

"Yes, Ray."

With some effort, Ray managed to turn to face me in theconfining sleeping bag. He looked concerned. "Don't soundgood."

"I had... strange dreams."

"Wanna talk about 'em?"

"I don't remember them very well." I winced insideat all the lying.

Ray quirked an eyebrow, no doubt guessing that I evaded him,but let it go. "I had a good one. Do ya think it might makeyou feel a bit better to hear it?"

"Perhaps."

Ray beamed. "It was weird though. I was one of thedogs." I must have managed to repress my shudder, because hesimply continued, "Which kinda sucked because it meant I wasworking that sled even in my sleep, but we ran so fast it waslike flying, but on snow. We were all a team, and I could feelhow much they loved me. It was great, exhilarating."

Ray could be a dog in his dream and experience love,companionship, teamwork. In my dream, he could only be a dog whowas a malicious killer. Revealing, in all the worst ways.

He had to leave me before I tainted him.

"We were all really *big* dogs too. Go figure." Rayshook his head as if to clear it, then unzipped the bag and gotout. "Up and at 'em. We got miles to go before wesleep." The sled dogs swirled around him in greeting,yapping happily.

"Super Ray" had returned, worrying me. It had takenme a while to see it, but I'd recently realized that in the pastweek especially Ray had worked *too* hard to show how competenthe was. Unnaturally cheerful, he took on too much and neverslowed or complained until he literally dropped from exhaustionand overwork.

"I would prefer to wallow a bit this morning," Isaid.

Suspicion instantly clouded his features. "You neverwallow."

He thought I was coddling him and would never stand for it. Imade my expression pathetic; with how I felt, it took very littleeffort and no lying. "Well, then, could you wallow while Itake advantage of it?"

Ray grinned, all generosity. "Sure. *I'll* wallow."

******************************************************

I succeeded in tricking Ray to "wallow" for anotherhour before we prepared the sled and went on our way. Back in thedirection we'd just come from, though not on the exact same path.No matter how wilderness-ignorant my Ray might be, he was far toosmart to be led over the same terrain, including our track marks,without seeing something wrong.

He was far too smart to be fooled for long anyway, but Ineeded the time to think of an explanation and a way to get himback where he would be safe.

Our ride left me hours of null time in which to think, but Iwasted them in worry. Worse, I wasted them in self-pity, alreadylooking in horror at a life without Ray. Self-righteous martyrdomremained a lonely pursuit.

I finally found a good place to stop and eat. It took Ray twominutes to realize that the sled had ceased to move. Once he did,he shook his head as if to clear it, then struggled to his feet,moving with the caution and awkwardness of a man decades olderand more decrepit.

Did I really need any more proof that my current course wascorrect?

Then Ray's eyes turned vague, and he cocked his head."We're going back the way we came," he said suddenly.

"Ray?"

"Why the hell are we going back the way we came,Fraser?" His voice had gone deadly soft.

He shouldn't have known. God help me, I hadn't given him thetraining necessary to discern direction in the Yukon.

I told myself that a trick of the light put that odd, softshadow near his head.

"No, never mind. I know. Yer quitting fer the both ofus."

"It's necessary--"

"I don't quit, Fraser. I do not quit. Did you think Iwouldn't notice?" He became a chain reaction of aggravated,choppy movement. "What were ya gonna say when I noticed thatthe towns looked exactly the same? 'Well, Ray, it's an oddproperty of Canadian towns that they all look exactly alike'?'But, Fraser, why are the same people walking down the streets?''Well, Ray, Canada is actually part of a vast cloningexperiment.' Or would we just avoid towns altogether? And howwere ya gonna get me to the States? Tell me that the hand ofFranklin is hidden on an airbase, then deposit me in front of aplane, distract me with a 'Look, Ray, turtles!' and throw me in?How stupid do you think I am, or do I really wanna know?" Asangry as he sounded, the hurt in his voice made it all worse.

"I have great respect for your--"

"Yeah, right. What, I'm not cutting it? I'm trying sodamned hard."

"I know. No one else would try so hard."

"But it's not enough, right?"

"When I started teaching you to swim, I didn't fling youinto the deepest end of the pool, but that's what I didhere."

"You didn't have any problems with me before, but now youthink I'm nuts, right? Ray talks to giant birds nobody else cansee."

Giant birds? I suddenly remembered the bird's eyes and cloakof raven feathers the man in my dream had. Usually I woulddismiss it as coincidence, but current circumstances forced me totake another view. "What was that about giant--"

"Well, maybe I am nuts, but that don't give you the rightto make a uni-- unil-- a big fucking decision like this for mewithout letting me know what ya were doing! That's no reason! Itall means nothing to you! Everything I've done--"

I was losing him. "Ray?"

"What reason? You tell me what reason you did thisbesides you figuring I didn't have the brains God gave agnat."

Losing him.... "Ray, I--"

"What?"

I could lose him for sure on my current path or take a chancethat might keep him. Terrified, selfish, I took the chance."I love you."

"That's the worst fucking reason of all!" Then Raywent utterly still. "Figuratively you love me."

"Literally. I love you." Ray moved close to me andstared into my eyes. I fidgeted under the intensity of his gaze.

"This is like some kinda pacifier thing, right, like youshove into a baby's mouth to stop it from crying? 'Here, Ray,suck on this and stop whining.'"

"No. I do."

For once, his face gave away nothing. Except, perhaps, shock."You do."

"Yes."

"Yer just saying that to distract me, keep me here tryingto figure you out."

"No, Ray, I mean it."

"How long?"

"It feels like forever. I think... I think it wasgradual."

Angry again. "How long have you known and saidnothing?"

"I was afraid." And given the distinct lack of areciprocated declaration, it looked like I had good reason to be.

Ray looked down and closed his eyes. "Okay. Okay. But...but ya don't pull shit like this on the people you love. Youdon't pull it on *me*."

"I was afraid for you, Ray. Last night's incident juststrengthened a concern I already had. I've been selfish bykeeping you here."

"Which ya just compounded by being high-handed. No,didn't mean it that way. I mean, you *were* high-handed, but it'snot selfish to want to be home. It's natural, human."

"It's selfish to watch someone you love kill himself tomake you happy, yet do nothing. And it doesn't make me happy tobe 'home' when I'm watching you suffer."

"C'mere."

"What?"

"Just c'mere."

Uncertain what to expect, I stood next to him. He pulled meinto a desperate hug. I certainly hadn't expected that. It mademe angry to think he might be pity-hugging me, but the genuinefeeling in his gesture allayed that thought. He cared. He hadn'tsaid he loved me in return, but he did care. Deeply. My Ray couldnot do otherwise.

I wanted to weep. I wanted to clutch him tightly, and I did.But then he twitched and fidgeted until I let him go. He gentlyand affectionately boxed the back of my head.

"Jesus. Yer hair just fell right back into place. How doya do that?" He shook his head. "You can't make thesekind of decisions without telling me."

What, that I loved him? No, he meant about going back. Itseemed that he refused to address... the other issue, even as itobviously affected his reactions to me. My stomach rolled.

But he knew. "Look, I'm ticked off, confused, hurt,hungry, tired right now, so I dunno what I think. I say stupidstuff when I'm like this, and I don't wanna do that. But I cantell ya... that I wouldn't give up my regular life in favor ofstaying with anyone else in the Great White North. No one else.You get that?"

"Yes, Ray." It was almost a yes. I tried not to hopefor too much.

"I hate making you wait, but... just give me time to wrapmy brain around it. That okay?"

*****************************************************

The dogs trotted around me as an honor guard as we walkedoutside the small cabin Fraser had found for us to stay the nightin. You knew you were out in the middle of nowhere for too longwhen walls and a roof seemed like a luxury. Maybe someday I'deven get to see indoor plumbing again.

Outside the light of my lantern, everything looked black.World got *dark* outside the cities, but I could see so manystars, and they looked so close that I couldn't help feeling likethe planet had a lid on to retain freshness. City skies withtheir lights and colors seemed to go on forever straight up,while wild skies seemed to go on forever sideways.

One of Santa's little helpers nuzzled my gloved hand to tellme to get on with it already. Dasher. Always so impatient.Couldn't blame her, though, since I was freezing my ass off. Myhands felt like they'd shatter if I hit them against anything, myfingers so cold that they actually felt heavier.

I had to keep all of us safe: the dogs, Dief, Fraser.... Hadto make sure Fraser didn't get hurt by something he didn't evenbelieve in.

Fraser, who'd said he loved me.

I still hadn't answered him. It was so *big*. Some folks couldsay they loved you and mean they wanted you for a while, but Igot the feeling that for Fraser it would mean forever. Like howI'd wanted forever with Stella, and we saw how that turned out.

I'd realized yesterday that I did love him forever-style.Cruel of me not to say so immediately, but could we possibly makethis work? I didn't know. We seemed to need different things....

If he even meant it the way I thought he meant it. The timingmade me wonder. Maybe he just told me what he thought I needed tohear to let him send me back to the States. No, I hoped he knewme well enough by now to realize that a declaration like thatwould be the last thing that would drive me away. I hoped,because it would be too depressing if he didn't. Maybe his"I love you" was his idea of a protection circle aroundme against the dark, scary stuff I saw that he couldn't.

Here I was so far away from anything I knew....

Rudolph nosed my hand. Right, the protection circle. Frasermight stop me if he knew about this, so I just had to be carefulto make sure he didn't.

I had a packet of salt I'd filched from the sled and a stick.I'd figured out which way was East. But as I started to lean downto draw my circle, I heard, "You should thank me,hatchling."

I swore and went for a gun I didn't carry anymore. "Damnit."

Full of itself, its glossy black feathers gleaming greenly inthe lantern light, the big raven smirked at me. "Watch whatyou wish for."

"'Thank you'? Thank you fer what? Fer trying to make mecrazy? Fer getting Fraser to look at me like I need astraitjacket and a good padded room? Fer letting me know thatFraser decided we were going back without thinking my opinion onit mattered? I would've figured out the last one on my own sooneror later."

"For the declaration of love, of course." One forSorrow puffed up and strutted a bit, not too much different fromsome Chicago mook who'd just pulled off a sweet heist. Had totell Fraser that Chicago wasn't too far from nature after all.Not that the raven had much to do with nature as I saw it."Do you really think he would have done it if he hadn't beenso afraid of losing you to madness or death?"

"So ya decided to help me along with the madnessthing?"

"It worked."

"He gave me a mercy declaration. A way of holding onta mewhen I would've broken off our friendship."

"Not at all! It was a cry from the heart. It's hard forhim to do that. And now you know you have a mutual feelingyourself. You don't need to search for the hand of glory now thatyou've found what you were really looking for right next toyou."

"That's great, Glinda. Now get in yer little pink soapbubble and take off."

"I've done you a service."

"I didn't ask fer it. I have no obligation to you. Nodebt. We didn't make no pact. I owe you nothing."

One for Sorrow looked put off but said, "Then consider ita freebie."

"Out of the kindness of yer heart."

"Of course."

"You wanna explain that bit about trying to get my nameoutta me?"

"You've never faced a temptation too great toresist?"

"Temptation to have absolute power over someone? Sure.But never over somebody I'm supposedly looking out fer. Never tomess with someone's head that badly for no reason."

"Touche."

"Whatever."

"Will it make you happier to see how this works for me aswell? I'll tell you the straight story and trust you not to dothe opposite of what I want just to spite me."

"Gee, thanks."

"I don't want you wandering through my woods looking forhands of glory or anything else. Humanity is an infestationoverrunning the world, and I prefer my quiet corner quiet, do youget me?"

"And just us two is an 'infestation'?"

"You could be the harbingers. Once it becomes easy, yourkind flocks to and changes every location you take over."

"Did you really mess with Franklin's head to make theexpedition fail horribly?"

"Didn't have to. All I had to do was sit back on myfeathered ass and laugh."

"Cruel bastard."

"I'm trying to get you out of a mistake you made, thisdeadly 'adventure' of yours, and this is how you speak to me? Youmay have been one of mine for a long time--"

"No. Way."

"--but you, hatchling, have forgotten respect."

"This from some... thing that sounds like the old fartwho yells at the kids to get offa his lawn." I ran a handthrough my hair. "Okay. So we have that mutualdeclaration."

"Not yet. You haven't declared, and your mate sits in thecabin deathly afraid you'll break his heart to bits."

"If we get the love stuff in the open, yer done with us,right?"

Bird *smirked*. "For the most part. I've always likedyou, you know."

"Shit." I thought back to which direction the sunhad come up in. Once I had East, I set my stick point into thesnow and started to move. Damned bird cackled the whole time Idrew a large circle 'round the cabin clockwise, pressing salthard into the border so it wouldn't blow off.

I could only hope that my unknowing invitation to it on thesled yesterday didn't make him invited in forever, circle or nocircle.

The dogs stayed close with me the whole time--Rudolph, Dasher,Blitzen, and Comet in the lead; Vixen, Cupid, and "LittleNed" Nedermeyer in a phalanx right around me; and Dancer,Prancer and Donner as rear guard--without once crossing the lineI drew, which would have disrupted it. It was almost enough tomake a guy believe in things.

"Now get the hell out of here! Find a cornfield orsomething but leave us alone!" I shouted.

"It's been a long time since I've had suchentertainment."

"Go, damn you!"

"Fine, fine." One for Sorrow spread his wings wide,then disappeared.

Wasn't so much to ask for normal stuff, was it? Sure, normalfor me meant the often-scuzzy streets of Chicago and a partnerwho thought his wolf talked, but I wanted it.

The dogs got happy once the bird left. Their plumy tailswagged madly back and forth like metronomes on speed as theytackled me down and had a licking marathon. Couldn't decide ifthat was their way of saying, "*Good* Ray!" or "Wedid good, boss, didn't we? Right? Didn't we? Yeah? Huh?"

"Yeah, yeah. I think we all did good."

They pressed in closer, surrounding me with warmth and plushsoftness. I closed my eyes to the forest of pale blue eyes andswirl of black, white, and gray fur and let them love me.

"Ray! Are you all right?"

I opened my eyes a little to see a blur under my lashes. Aconcerned looking blur. I knew him this way whether he woreMountie red or not. Not, in this case.

I opened my eyes a bit more. "Yeah, once I get all theslobber off. Dogs're just happy."

*He* looked so happy. Guess it was a relief seeing his partnerdoing something normal like playing with the dogs instead ofsomething freaky like making a salt protection circle around thecabin.

I won't tell if you don't. "Thanks, guys," Iwhispered to the dogs. I got a cheekful of Ned's tongue aspayback.

Fraser reached in to offer a hand up, which I took for once.What harm did it to do to let him feel like he was helping?

One for Sorrow said he'd bother us whether I made adeclaration or not, but this needed to be said. "And I, you,Fraser."

"Ray?"

"I love you. I'm sorry I left you hanging for hours likethat. I just needed a little time. Didn't even have a clue tillyesterday." He didn't answer me with words, but, damn, hehad a beautiful smile. I couldn't help a little teasing."Did ya think I'd just leap into yer arms earlier? I'm notthe leaping type."

"Ray." Fraser sounded doubtful, fond, and a bitexasperated all at once.

"Don't believe me? Well, I never was. Not till I metyou." The rest came out in a rush. "And if we're goingto do the truth thing, I should also tell ya that I suggestedlooking for the hand of Franklin because I know ya wanted to stayand I needed an excuse to stay with ya." Throwing my secretsout to him left me feeling scared and weirdly hollow.

Then he pulled me into a tight hug, and it started to feelokay. More than okay. I didn't twitch myself loose this time.

He wouldn't use what I said against me. He wasn't Stella.

"Thank you," he whispered into my hair.

"So, what do we do now?"

"Now?"

"Uh, yeah."

Fraser laughed a little, and it didn't sound entirely sane."I was so focused on arriving here that I didn't give anythought to what would follow this."

"How 'bout we go inside to figure out our nextmoves?"

"That sounds like a good plan."

He gave me a hilariously overdone long-suffering look as thedogs followed us in. When we'd started out, he'd tried to keepthem outside, but I'd told him the team didn't think it was fairthat Dief got to stay inside when they couldn't. So they'd eitherget to come in or Dief would join them outside. Dief had made hisopinion pretty clear on that one.

The cabin's warmth wrapped around us. Once upon a time Iwouldn't have thought this was warm, but a lot of things hadbecome comfy compared to what I dealt with on a daily basisoutside. I stripped a few layers off. I'd gotten so used to beingwrapped up in a ton of clothing that I kind of felt small andincomplete without it. I ran a hand through my hair, which stoodout from static electricity, to try to control it. I frowned athow long it was getting in the back.

When I looked back at Fraser, I realized that he'd beenwatching me the whole time. Damn, I felt 13 and awkward all over again. Okay, I still felt awkward in some things, but I meant awkward in love stuff. Okay, I wasn't always totally smooth in love stuff either. Damn. I just hadn't felt this *self-conscious* in a long time.

"Ray, when you said that you'd proposed our quest to stay with me... does that still hold?"

"Fraser, I just said I loved you. I'm not gonna try to leave now."

He beamed but said, "I don't want to make any assumptions of you. It's a big commitment."

"I can see that. Thanks. Yeah, I'm committed. Or I should be committed."

"Perhaps I should be as well. It would have been far saner and we would have been better off had we proposed this quest any time other than winter."

I grinned. "Yeah, I can see that too. Note to self: Next time we do something like this, make sure we don't start in March." Had to be careful here. I thought out what I wanted to say as best I could, then went ahead. "We don't have to keep looking if ya don't want to. I mean, I found what I was looking for. If it's okay with ya, we could stop, or we could take it up again some other, better time. I..." Oh, this killed me to say. "I need a break. Or something."

Fraser nodded. "I feel much the same."

"You do?"

"Yes. But now we still must make plans."

I had to be tired, because I didn't have clue one what he was talking about. "Yeah?"

"You said you wanted to stay with me." He sounded so shy and hesitant.

"Hell, yeah."

Fraser smiled a little. Reassured. I hoped. "Well, our solution to our location problems would involve us meeting halfway. Perhaps we could spend part of the year here and winters in Chicago. The Yukon is a very different land in spring and summer, lush and verdant. Beautiful in a friendlier way."

"We'd be snowbirds?"

"Ray?"

"It's an Arizona native's derogatory term for northerners who spend their winters in Arizona and the rest of the year up north. Kinda pretty sounding for an insult, but go figure. Mum and Dad were thinking of going the snowbird route." So they could see me in Chicago. Of course, that was before I went off to Canada.

"I miss Chicago sometimes."

There he was, right with me. "You do?"

"Not the city itself. Our friends."

Warm as that "our" made me feel, I suddenly wondered if Frannie was taking good care of Spike. My turtle would probably never forgive me. "We could do that."

"Or we could decide on a town somewhere near the border, large enough for you but small enough for me."

"Yeah, that would be good too."

"You have no preference?"

"I want you to be happy."

"I couldn't be happy if you weren't."

I shook my head. It was great that he cared, but I wasn't that breakable. I hoped he got over that soon.

Oh, yeah. I talked to things he couldn't see. If I wanted him to stop being so over-careful with me, I had to stop doing that.

"Time to think, Fraser. It's vital," I said.

"Understood."

"Can we sleep on it?"

"Of course."

******************************************************

Ray--my impulsive and sometimes reckless Ray--was showing prudence. I should have approved and been proud, but my own evil impatience made that difficult. Turnabout is a bitch, he'd probably say in response to that as he smiled.

He seemed self-conscious now that we'd said... what we'd said to one another, so I gave him space and privacy as he washed up. I gave thanks that the cabin had only a small basin instead of a tub, because my overworked imagination needed no more stimulation than it already had. The thought of him stripping down utterly might have driven me mad.

He loved me. He wanted to stay with me.

I felt elated and terrified all at once.

As I took my turn washing I could hear him talking to and playing with the dogs. The sled team's presence made the cabin feel more cramped but also warmer and almost homey. In any case, their proximity comforted Ray.

By the time I finished, Ray had already claimed the cot and half-fallen asleep. I started to unroll a sleeping bag on the floor nearby, thinking he'd want space, given the aforementioned self-consciousness. I would miss the comfort of having him near, but I refused to push.

"What're ya doing? C'mere," he mumbled sleepily.

My heart lifted. "Ray, I don't want to crowd--"

"Get up here, or I'll come down there and kick ya in the head."

"Understood." I needed no other invitation. I quickly settled in beside him. He murmured contentedly and pressed closer. While the feeling of him moving in my arms kept me distracted for a long time, I finally fell asleep.

******************************************************

Cold darkness pressed in on me, but I felt even colder inside. Right now I would be thankful even for the trickster spirit and his campfire. Any light, any warmth, any company would be welcome.

After so many years of this dream, one would think I would have learned to live with it, yet it never lost its terror. I knew this was a dream. I knew that, eventually, it would end. Eventually. Yet I couldn't get out, couldn't escape, and never came to terms with my fear while here. This recurring dream made that childhood night alone in the woods struggling to build a fire with two stones pale in comparison. Here, Dad would never come back for me.

Now he would never come back again. He'd left me, as they all did sooner or later.

"Hey, Fraser, you in here?" someone whispered. Ray.

I wanted to yell for him, but I could only softly croak, "Over here." Ray had never been here before....

A light flickered on, then slowly grew. It was Ray. Literally. Sometimes warm/hot and golden as sunshine, sometimes pale and cool as starshine, he glowed and left a swirling trail of sparks as he moved. He was dressed for a Chicago early summer in jeans one size too large for him, boots, and his Rawhide T-shirt. He wore his gun harness, and only then did I realize how incomplete he seemed without his gun and holster harness in Canada with me.

"Yeah, the earth says hello, Fraser."

"What?"

"Never mind. I brought somebody fer ya."

Dief bounded up and tackled me to the ground. I wouldn't rebuke his forceful enthusiasm this time. I saw that Ray had the sled dogs swirling around him as well as sparks.

I felt a bit warmer, in many ways. "Thank you, Ray."

"I was having this dream where Satan took me up on a mountaintop, showed me Chicago, and told me it could be mine if I just forsook... uh, never mind. I should probably get my knuckles rapped with a ruler for that one. Anyway, I was there until I got yanked over here. So where are we?"

"Trapped."

"Can't be. If there's a way in, there's a way out, right?" The dogs scattered outside the small circle of Ray's light, no doubt to scout out an exit.

Trust Ray to show up unexpectedly in a situation with no idea of what was going on yet immediately try to fix things. Sometimes he succeeded *because* he didn't know the import of things. It left him with no conception of "can't."

His nostrils flared a little, then he smiled. "Ned found a breeze of fresh air. We might have an exit. Hard to tell." He reached for me, then pulled his hand back. "Damn, yer cold! I thought you were the walking furnace while I was the guy who wears three layers of clothing in May."

Inside I was different, just as he was. He burned. That light pass of his hand had felt like a branding iron.

"I could try to warm ya up."

"Ray, no--"

It hurt when his hand clasped mine, hurt so badly I couldn't gather the focus of mind necessary to pull free. But the pain lessened more and more, until it became the necessary discomfort of thawing flesh, until it ended completely. Ray's touch had rendered me cool and comfortable instead of cold.

Could he change me for the better without my darker parts influencing him?

"Better?"

"Remarkably so."

"Glad I could help."

Suddenly everything started to fade. Eyes wide with concern, Ray reached for me, but his hand passed through mine.

I woke up and opened my eyes to find myself in the cabin, Ray held tightly in my arms. At least I hoped I was awake. The flickering firelight made him a creature of light and shifting colors. His hand clenched in my shirt as he mumbled something, sounding distressed. He sighed and quieted as I traced the long bones and prominent knuckles of that hand. He'd been so bundled up for so long that I found the sight of any bare skin, even his fingers, utterly erotic.

Yet I had to be careful. I felt... too much right now. I couldn't help fearing that I would cling too tightly; part of me wanted to cuff him to me to make sure he could never get away. I would scare him.

I scared myself.

I needed distance, self-control. I'd resigned myself to never being anything other than his friend, so I should be able to wait a little while longer now.

Ray smiled at me. "*There* you are," he said sleepily.

"Did I wake you?"

"Nah." He yawned. "You gonna court me, Ben?"

The "Ben" shocked and warmed me so utterly that I almost lost the rest of his question. "Court you?"

"Y'know, ask my dad's permission to see me, assuring him of yer honorable intentions, not that you could have anything other. 'Course he'd probably have a heart attack and die, which wouldn't be cool. Then you'd have to find us a chaperone. Am I missing anything?"

He showed me a funhouse mirror version of my own thoughts. Sometimes he seemed eerily close to reading my mind. "I think it's already too late for a chaperone, Ray."

"Is it?" he purred.

I couldn't identify the emotion that coursed through me. It consisted of love, lust, affection, possessiveness, relief. "We're alone and quite intimate now."

"We could get more."

I knew where he headed with this, but I needed it spelled out. "More alone?"

"More intimate." His low, husky voice flowed over and through me. The drowsy languor that had replaced his usual nervous energy made him strangely exotic to me. It was how I'd imagined he would be after sex.

It didn't matter that he seemed tired. I could easily do all the work....

I wanted him. Badly. I realized that my hand on his back had already taken on a stroking motion. He pushed up into it as if hungry for more. And I wanted to give him more, make him mine, utterly. Mark him....

Horrible thought. I stiffened. Ray sighed. "Bad time, then?"

"I want to be sure my motives are pure."

He smiled, and it had hints of amused exasperation in it. "We're talking sex, not running for public office, here."

"My emotions are too tangled." Seeing his retort coming, I said, "Lust and its satiation would be a momentary distraction."

"I'd like to think it would be more than a 'momentary' distraction."

"I cast no aspersions on your endurance."

"Better not."

"Afterward, my emotions would still be tangled, if not more so. You don't mind waiting a little?"

"I can do patience."

He didn't happily "do" patience. "I won't make you be patient long." I lacked the moral strength to keep him waiting long anyway.

"I appreciate it."

I let him go, but he remained draped atop me. As much as I hated to lose the warmth and weight of him, I had to. "Now I must leave to urinate." Perhaps the brief time away would make things clearer. We'd spent so little time apart in the last few weeks. It bordered on the obsessive.

Ray snorted. "Who's stopping-- Oh, I am. Sorry." He rolled off me. "Don't let the outhouse monster get ya."

"Uh, I will try not to, Ray." By the time I'd dressed in all my layers to go out, Ray had fallen asleep again. I lingered a little while to watch him, then picked up the lantern and walked outside into the cold, stepping over three sled dogs on my way out. One of the dogs followed me, staying at my side, perhaps as a protector. If Diefenbaker had not been asleep at the far end of the cabin, I would have had teasing words for him on that.

Once out, I saw something odd just at the edge of the lantern's light. As I moved closer, I realized that it was a long furrow, too neat and deliberate, cut into the snow. As I followed it, dog at my side, I saw that it seemed to loop all the way around, including the cabin and outhouse within a kind of circle.

Oh, Ray. That he'd done this, and then felt it necessary to hide it from me....

I remembered how Ray had earlier identified the thing troubling him as a "giant bird" and how that had seemed, in my mind, to be connected to the trickster in his cloak of raven feathers I'd seen in my dream. What if the thing that harassed Ray truly did exist? Even my logic allowed that some things existed outside the scope of my poor five senses.

If my trickster and Ray's giant bird were the same being--perhaps Raven, whom I'd briefly dealt with in the past, though not in any successful manner--maybe I could talk to it, try to convince it to leave Ray in peace. I had to try.

I had to hope that I did reach the raven's "true place" and not simply dream falsely that I had. Poor Ray. These kinds of doubts must have been tearing him apart.

On my way back to the cabin, despite all my misgivings, I scuffed through the protection circle's line with my boot, ignoring the dog's whine of what seemed almost to be apprehension. I wouldn't have a hope of reaching the raven otherwise.

I only hoped I wasn't making a mistake.

******************************************************

This time the trickster, still wearing my father's seeming, sat at his fire near the mouth of a cave. A night full of stars stretched outside. "I thought you didn't believe in me, son."

I swallowed the rage that hearing it call me "son" in my father's voice gave me. I had to be diplomatic. For Ray's sake. "I came to ask that you leave my partner alone."

Firelight gleamed off black eyes and his cloak of raven feathers. Smoke curled around him in vaguely familiar shapes I couldn't quite grasp. "What will you give me in return?"

I should have expected that question. I didn't know. But in the face of Ray's suffering, how could I fail to try? "What... what do you want?" I would give whatever I could.

The trickster smiled. "Forget it."

"Excuse me?"

"You couldn't rid him of me if you tried. I've always been there. Sometimes he can see me, sometimes not. I thought this was one of the times he wouldn't, but he surprised me, as he often does. As you often do."

"I don't understand."

"He's a child of the city this time. All those people and their noises pressing in on him, all that stimulation from so many directions, clouded the sense he was born with. Out here, on your sled, he had so few outside presences to deal with that he went inward and found himself. It certainly shocked me when he noticed me that day. He sees and knows clearer here with the eyes of his intuition unblocked. Here, he goes between worlds as he's always had the potential to do."

I suddenly remembered that moment in the submersible when Ray had told me to "go that way." He couldn't explain why he'd wanted me to do it. Mr. Instinct. Yet when I'd followed his intuition, we'd found Leftenant Welsh, Inspector Thatcher, and Turnbull on that replica of the Bounty they'd used to follow the criminals.

Then it had been just Ray and I far under the lake afraid we'd be lost forever. I began to see what the trickster meant.

"If I brought him to a city, he wouldn't see you anymore?"

"Perhaps. Now that he's found his guides, it's hard to say if he'll ever be exactly the same. But that's mortal life for you, isn't it? Change."

I felt as if I'd walked in on a story already halfway finished. I held onto the parts that I felt I understood. "I simply want you to stop harassing him."

"I never meant him any harm; he's just so much fun to play with. My meddling turned out for the best."

I shuddered. "Just please be kinder in how you play with him."

"'Please.' I do like that. I will. On one condition."

I worried about what he might ask, but this was for Ray. "Yes?"

"Take care of him so well that I don't feel compelled to meddle. I'll be watching."

I almost choked on the swell of relief I felt. "That's... acceptable."

"Then we're reconciled. Oh, and son?"

I bristled at this thing pretending to be my father, but retained my polite manner. For Ray. "Yes?"

"When are you going to get a leg up on the Yank?"

Before I could reach and throttle him, the cackling trickster turned into a large raven and flew out into the night.

*****************************************************

I woke up with Fraser's arms holding me loosely, casually possessive. Between that and the peaceful look on his face, I guessed and hoped that he felt more assured of me sticking around, at least enough that he didn't have to clutch me in a stranglehold at night.

I kind of liked being clutched, sure, but I liked to breathe too.

Weird to be so close to him. We'd slept intertwined most of the last few weeks, but we'd been so bundled up it had been like sleeping with a big rag doll or something. Not that I ever did something like that. Anyway, then I couldn't really feel him. That wasn't a problem now, that's for sure.

I still didn't understand why he could semi-molest me in my sleep but couldn't while I was awake and participating. But still. Patience. I could do patience.

Besides, I didn't think *Fraser* could do patience, not in this at least, for much longer.

When I tried to move to get off my numb arm, that grip tightened around me. "Sorry, Ray," he mumbled as he loosened up again.

I moved my arm free and winced at the pins and needles. "Hey, I got one arm; what do I really need another one for?"

"I have to stop mauling you."

"I don't want you to stop all of it, ya know." Then I kissed him. It was easy. Just move and touch. I could have done this years ago.

He kissed me back, nuzzling at my lips. He wanted it, wanted me.... Then he stopped and tried to move away, managing to look scared and guilty all at once.

He was *scared* of me? I really couldn't take it anymore. "What? Is it you; is it me? You can't expect me to believe yer a virgin." A horrible thought occurred to me. "I'm not gonna make like Victoria."

Fraser looked horrified. "It's not that. I don't trust myself, Ray."

There were some people who'd be thrilled to have evidence that Fraser was fucked up on the inside. I wasn't one of them.

I had to reassure him. "I'm not glass; I don't break easy. If yer worried about being too rough or something, don't be. If you have some kind of idea that our first time has to be roses and slow, soft-focus photography, and it's not right otherwise, don't. We've been out here alone for weeks, and I know reality."

He sounded so disgusted with himself. "It's stupid."

I waited for more, but he said nothing else. "Okay. We don't have to do anything now. I don't want you jumping me just because yer trying to prove to yerself that ya can or you think ya owe it to me since I'm horny."

"Ray...."

No one had ever said my name like that, so soft and warm, like it was love itself and the last breath from his body. "Yeah?"

This time, *he* kissed me, and I kissed back. I didn't have to wonder where I should put my hands and arms, because he already had his all over me, and that distracted the hell out of me. I just moved in any way that felt right at the time, sliding around on top of him. I could still feel him holding back, trying not to grip too hard, but I didn't try to goad him on or anything. Maybe he needed it this way.

Maybe he needed to know he could do it this way.

I touched him all over, exploring him. It was like there had been No Trespassing signs on certain areas, Bad Touch country, but now I had free rein. It would be criminal not to take advantage.

Just getting my hands under his clothes gave me a certain thrill. I mean, I knew there had to be a person under there, but I'd never gotten to see anything more than his head, neck, and hands, with maybe a bit of forearm now and then, in all the time I'd known him. His skin put off more than enough heat to warm my hands, which had been freezing for what seemed like forever. Then I thought that maybe he wouldn't like having my icy fingers on him, but he hadn't complained, and it was too late anyway. I'd have to think first next time.

As I traced those scary front teeth of his with my tongue, I felt his hands start stroking at the middle of my spine and separate for one to go north and the other south. He had the hands of someone who worked hard: strong, a bit callused, with skin on the rough side. I liked that. They massaged deep into the tight muscles of my back, melting me into a puddle, making me moan into his mouth. Should have known that I couldn't hide my backaches from him.

If we hadn't been so scared of touching one another, I could have been feeling this good ages ago. Unfair. Of course, it looked like if we'd started the massage bit then, we wouldn't have been able to stop, then as now.

That wouldn't have been so bad.

We thrusted against one another in a kind of dance. I didn't know about Fraser, but I knew I wouldn't be able to last much longer, not with how deprived I've been. Life just sucked sometimes. Who the hell was I kidding? With what I had going on right now, I really should stop whining.

While I'd been thinking of other things, he'd gotten my pants undone and his hand inside. His slightly chapped fingertips felt incredible brushing against my cock.

"I can't--" I gasped.

"It's fine, Ray." He looked decadent, lips swollen and glistening from kissing, stone face softened into a look that managed to be unfocused and focused all at once.

I nodded and slid my lips down to his pale neck, hoping that more concentrated kissing might distract me from coming immediately. To my surprise, he went still, and his pulse spiked, pounding. Scared. What did he think I was going to do to him? What did that bitch Victoria do to him?

"It's okay; it's okay," I murmured against his skin. Once he saw that I didn't have anything other than kissing and a bit of sucking in mind, he relaxed and started to enjoy it. I couldn't help enjoying the red marks I left against creamy paleness. I did that....

His hand started to slide up and down the length of my cock, making me try to push more into his grip. More, I wanted more. It felt so good, so right. I found his and reciprocated the motion. I sped up as he sped up, slowed down as he did. He smiled and experimented with speeds just to see if I followed him. I almost came from that alone, but I had more willpower than most people realized.

Mutual. I wanted this to be completely mutual.

He did this... incredible thing with his fingers on my cock and balls that sent me over, whiplashing against him. He came too, shouting my name, and I couldn't help thinking that it was the sight and feel of me doing it that brought him there.

After that, we just stayed still and breathed together for a while, kind of melted together. Maybe sticking to one another a bit too. Less cool, but it made sure I knew this was real.

I whimpered when Fraser bought his fingers to his mouth, the ones he'd stroked me off with, and licked them clean. "Warn a guy when yer gonna do something like that, huh?"

"You mean something like this?" He took my hand, but hesitated as he brought my fingers to his lips. Then he shook it off and meticulously lapped my fingers too. I twitched. If I were younger, I'd be ready to jump him again.

This felt good. Hell, sex was about the only way we could have gotten any more intimate than we already were. Fraser looked good with it too, relaxed, relieved. Happy.

I kind of expected him to be all ready to get on with the day afterwards--get up, clean up, leave, all efficient--but he seemed content to loll around in bed with me. Sometimes demolished expectations could be good.

We wallowed for a longish time, just lazily kissing and touching, until Diefenbaker and Santa's little helpers all gathered around the cot and stared at us. I laughed. "I think they're trying to tell us they wanna get a move on."

Fraser looked rueful. "So it would seem."

"I gave our destination some thought last night," I said. We had to get this out of the way sooner or later.

He stiffened, but his voice sounded even. "Yes, Ray?"

Careful, Ray. "I'd like to go back to Chicago first, see how things are. With you, of course, if ya don't mind." When he didn't say anything at all, giving me no clues, I continued, "Y'know, check in on everybody. If Frannie killed Spike, I wanna know about it."

"'Spike'? And Francesca would never knowingly harm a living thing."

"My turtle, and she wouldn't mean it if it happened, I know."

His voice had a hint of teasing reproach in it. "You never told me his name."

"Well, he's shy, doesn't get in the mix often. It never came up."

"Ah. 'Spike.'"

Damn, didn't we sound normal. It made me smile. "Yeah. Anyway, I didn't get any of my affairs in order or say any real goodbyes to anybody."

We'd gone from taking down Muldoon to going directly on our "adventure" with no side trip to Chicago to do things that needed to be done. I made a few brief calls to let people know I was okay and try to settle my affairs long distance, but that was it. I'd been afraid that if I took the time to do things right Fraser would take off for the wilds, never to be found, or he'd come with me to Chicago, realize that Vecchio was what he really wanted, and leave me high and dry. I knew now that I'd been afraid of stuff that wouldn't happen, but I hadn't known that then. I'd only had the look on Fraser's face at seeing Vecchio in the hotel and then the one when we landed in Canada to go on. Had he ever looked at me like that? No, not that I'd been aware of.

Maybe he had, when my back was turned. He looked at me like that right now, though.

"Then, maybe that would help me figure out what I think we should do," I said.

He relaxed a bit; I could feel it through his skin. "That sounds sensible. I wouldn't mind going back myself."

"Yer humoring me, right?"

"No, Ray."

"Great. It would be good to see the ol' homestead again."

Maybe this could work. It seemed to be working. I smiled and managed to move in closer.

The sudden sound of wings beating startled me. I pressed my face against Fraser's shoulder, trying not to hear.

******************************************************

I marveled at my current circumstances, the comfort and closeness here, the joy I felt, the warmth of Ray burrowing lovingly into my shoulder. The sky had not fallen in, nor had Ray tried to destroy me or simply had his way with me then abandoned me. We were still friends and partners but now lovers as well. My fears seemed silly now, but how thankful I was that the worst I could say was that I had been wrong and now felt silly about those thoughts.

I knew enough to realize that things would not always be easy, that keeping us together would necessarily take work and careful attention. We were two very different people, no matter that those differences made us complement one another. This proposed trip to Chicago, for example, gave me misgivings, but I could tell Ray needed it, and perhaps I did as well.

I could restrain my possessiveness and other ignoble urges. I would. For Ray's sake and my own. I needed him....

No, it would not be easy. But I was certain that it would be worth it.

**********************THE END***********************

More Viridian5 stories can be found in The Green Room at http://members.tripod.com/~drovar/viridian/ Fandoms represented: due South, Hard Core Logo, X-Files, Once a Thief, the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie, Angel, Two Guys and a Girl (was Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place), X-Men, Doctor Who