Benny!

Subject: [MRKS] FIC-"Benny!" 1/2(Fraser/RayKowalski)

Date: Sunday, January 16, 2000 7:29 PM

From: MMayerMax@aol.com

1/16/00 - Dear Friends - This story is in a category all itsown - if KatherineF finds the time and inclination to post it toHexwood, and Anagi, to DSX and or DIEF, perhaps they can decideon the category.

Rating - R for mature themes.

Warning - Although this is a Ray Kowalski/Fraser love story,Ray Vecchio makes an appearance.

Synopsis - After COtW, while Fraser and Ray Kowalski searchfor the Hand of Franklin in Canada, Fraser has a nightmare andthe two men go back to Chicago to face unfinished business.Dedicated to Paul Haggis. With thanks to Paul Gross, Callum KeithRennie, and David Marciano, whose performances as Fraser,Kowalski and Vecchio made this and all dS stories possible. Loveyou all. And to my friends in dS fandom - hope you'll still be myfriends when you've finished reading this.... Some of you mightfeel it would have been better had the Big Red Muse neverdarkened my door again....

Feedback gratefully accepted at <maxmayer2@JUNO.com> -yes, even flames.... Love, Maxine

"Benny!" by Maxine Mayer, 1/16/2000

I hear the shout in my dream - "Benny!" - and Isuspect that is what awakens me. I look around quickly,disoriented for a moment until my eyes fix on my companions - RayKowalski and my half-wolf - Diefenbaker, and I know where I am.

I am in Canada, with my dear friend Ray Kowalski, and we areon an adventure, searching for the Hand of Franklin.

Yes, that's where I am. And where I want to be.

* * *

The day passes for me in an odd way. I have not quite shakenoff the sound of Ray Vecchio's voice calling my name in my dream.The shout that sounded as if he were frightened, alarmingly so. Ihave not seen nor spoken to my old friend and former partner inmany months, although I have been informed that he is well,through letters which reach me from time to time from his sister,Francesca.

Ray Kowalski - "my Ray," as I call him, although toaddress him thus, even in my thoughts, is absurd and withoutfoundation in fact or reason - asks me more than once during theday whether I'm all right, if something is wrong, what's thematter, what did I dream about, was it a nightmare, and so forth.

I am loathe to describe my dream to him because I know heenvies and is jealous of my prior friendship and partnership withRay Vecchio. There is awkwardness, embarrassment, and troubleattached to the entire situation, and has been from the first. Inever speak about Ray Vecchio to my Ray, if I can avoid doing so.I've taken for my motto concerning everything that happened to mein Chicago - from the moment I arrived until the day I left -"let sleeping dogs lie," or perhaps, "the lesssaid, the better."

Ray Kowalski treats Chicago and everyone we know and workedwith who lives there - including his ex-wife - as though theynever existed. He, too, never speaks of them. Of his home, hisfamily, his old job, or his friends.

So, in this one thing, we are very much alike, my Ray and me.

I would never have imagined we would share this particulartrait - avoidance. It's my nature but surely not my Ray's nature.

It is my fault.

But there is little or nothing I can do about it, so I try toforget Chicago, too.

Mostly, I am successful.

Or think I am.

This dream about Ray Vecchio, and his shout of his nicknamefor me - "Benny!" - shatters my misconception about"forgetting Chicago."

Ray Kowalski is on the alert. On the prowl, now.

We can avoid the memory of Chicago no longer.

* * *

"So, ya gonna tell me what the nightmare was about,Fraser? Or am I gonna hafta kick ya in the head?" Ray asksin a jocular tone.

I wonder whether he is tired of his old ways of thinking andbehaving. Certainly, he has said nothing like this to me in manymonths. Nor has he called me Fraser. He started to call me Benwhen we began our adventure. I don't like the implications of himcalling me Fraser, now.

I look at him across our fire. It is spring but the eveningsare still very cool and the fire is necessary for warmth as wellas cooking purposes. "I don't remember everything about thedream… the nightmare. Much of it is… vague. But it wasabout… Ray Vecchio. In it, he is in some sort of trouble.And he cries out for me, shouts my name."

"Calls 'Fraser,' ya mean?" My Ray's brow is wrinklednow. Already, he is angry, belligerent, and jealous.

I sigh. "No. He shouts 'Benny' - which is what he oftencalled me, when he wasn't calling me 'Frasier.'" I smileruefully.

"So - so, ya think he's in trouble, he needs you? Yawanna pack up and go ta him? I'll come wid."

My eyes widen. For a moment I am astonished. Then I grin. MyRay has leaped all the steps in between - gone from dream,through interpretation, to action. How like him that is.

"You believe in prophetic dreams, Ray?" I ask.

"I know you do, Frase." He shrugs. "Doesn'tmatter if I do or not. If you think Vecchio is in trouble, thathe needs you, you're goin' to him, no matter what I think or say.So - might as well cut ta the chase, right?"

Slowly, I reply. "I don't believe in prophetic dreams.But sometimes …." I sigh. "Sometimes, I think,when we dream we tell ourselves some truths we need to face, butcannot face in our waking lives. We tell ourselves in our dreams,what we must know. What we must do."

"Same thing, isn't it?" my Ray asks. Ray Kowalskibeing "practical" is a sight I haven't witnessed sincewe arrived in Canada. I don't particularly like it.

"Close enough," I agree, grateful that my Raydoesn't ask me what sorts of things this dream told me.

"So."

"Will you accompany me back to the United States,Ray?" He has already offered but I ask anyway. That is fair.

He grins. "If you'll have me."

I nod. My visage holds no trace of response to the irony Ifind in Ray's words.

"We're not gonna find the Hand of Franklin, anyway. It'splenty good enough that we tried, dontcha think?"

"I do."

* * *

Although I'm offered lodging at the Consulate, and also withthe Vecchio's, when we arrive back in Chicago, I settle withoutany discussion into Ray Kowalski's apartment, where I plan tostay with him. He offers me his bed and the privacy of hisbedroom, says he will take the couch for himself to sleep on, andI agree. He keeps later hours than me, watches television orlistens to music late into the night, when he's at home. Thearrangement is practical. I have no quarrel with it.

Ray Vecchio is back in Chicago, too. He and Stella Kowalskiparted company after a few months together in Florida. When Italk to Ray Vecchio he complains about the money the two of themlost when their bowling alley venture folded. He doesn't sound asupset about this development as I imagined he would be. I decidethat he must have more money than I hitherto suspected, if abusiness loss of this magnitude doesn't bother him.

He is not troubled by his break-up with Stella Kowalski,either. This doesn't surprise me at all. Ray Vecchio hassustained no long term relationship since his divorce many yearsago. I believe he will die a "swinging bachelor,"romantic though he is. Or perhaps, because he is a romantic.

When we talk - Ray Vecchio and me - I find no hint of aproblem from his side, or any situation which would make him cryout for me the way he did in my dream.

I conclude that, as I suspected, my dream was something I wastelling myself, not a prophetic revelation about Ray Vecchio atall.

What it means, what my unconscious is trying to makeconscious, I cannot imagine. That I am trying hard to realizesomething, I am certain.

It remains obscure as the days pass. I try not to worry.

* * *

"How long ya thinkin' a stayin' here, Fraser?" myRay asks me. We have been back in this city for seven full days.Since neither of us is working, a week seems like a very longtime.

I take another forkful of the Chinese take-out dish and eatit. Then another.

"Frase?"

I swallow and put down the paper plate on the coffee table infront of Ray's sofa.

"You were right about the dream."

"Yeah? It was prophetic or somethin', or was it tellin'you somethin' from inside your own head?"

"You were right that I needed to follow through on it.But I still have no clue what it means." I look at him. I amtroubled. I ask, "Do you - would you consider staying herewith me another few weeks, maybe longer, until Iunderstand?"

"Hey, this is Chicago! I live here, mostly. At least, Ilive here when you do, Fraser! Sure, I'll stay - long as youneed. But maybe -"

"Maybe what?"

"Maybe the dream was just tellin' ya it was time to comeback here fer good. Like, that it was time ta leave the wilds aCanada and come… home."

"The wilds of Canada are home, to me, Ray," Iobject.

"Yeah. Yeah." Ray shakes his head, runs his fingersthrough his hair.

"What is it, Ray?" I ask.

"Maybe. Maybe Canada used ta be 'home' ta ya. Maybe itain't 'home' no more. Maybe, home is… is where Ray Vecchiois, fer you, now."

I frown. "That isn't true, Ray. You must know that."

"I don' know nothin' a da sort, Fraser," he tells meangrily.

"Where you are, is home to me," I say firmly.Finally.

He looks up, shocked. "What?"

"You heard me, Ray."

"I heard ya, I jus' don' know what that means."

"It means what it says. That I am at home - happy,content, in the right place - when I am with you." When hedoesn't say anything I add, "As you are, with me."

"Why ya dreamin' about Vecchio, den?" he asks.

"That is what I would like to know, myself. If you arewilling to stay here for a while longer, with me, maybe we canunravel the mystery." I smile reassuringly."Please."

"Okay."

"Thank you, Ray."

"Yer welcome, Fraser."

* * *

And still we don't speak of implications, ramifications,meaning - anything beyond the facts.

And still, he no longer calls me Ben….

At least, now, we have acknowledged the facts, on both sides.

For him, I am home. For me, he is home.

Simple facts.

What they mean, neither of us wants to find out, at thispoint, here.

Neither of us wished to uncover meaning in the snow, in thewilds of Canada, either.

We didn't want to be alone together when we acknowledged whathome means to us now. We were afraid to be alone together when weunderstood that.

Well, now we know. We know the "facts."

I am not an impatient man. Unlike Ray Kowalski, I am a verypatient man.

At the moment, however, I am about to "die ofwaiting," as my Ray would say….

I want to know the meaning.

I want to know it *now*.

* * *

Time passes. Spring becomes Summer.

Ray Kowalski asks me whether he should ask Lieutenant Welshfor his old job back - will we be here long enough for him tobother. I tell him he should.

Welsh finds a place for my Ray, as he did for Ray Vecchio, inhis division. He doesn't team the two men together. Harding Welshis not a fool. Nevertheless, my partners adjust to each other,gradually. I learn this from Francesca, who tells me that herbrother and Ray Kowalski have become friends.

I did not hear this from my Ray. The "black-out"when it comes to talking about Ray Vecchio is still in forcebetween us.

I'm tempted to call Ray Kowalski on it but I resist. "Letsleeping dogs lie," remains my motto. Or perhaps, "theless said, the better."

* * *

Due to illness in his family Constable Vickers is called awayto his home in Winnipeg. Constable Turnbull makes it his businessto alert me about this and I visit the Consulate and speak to thecurrent Acting Inspector, a man I don't know except byreputation, John Courtney. His reputation is good.

When he agrees to ask R.C.M.P. headquarters to re-assign mepermanently to the Chicago Consulate, as a replacement forConstable Vickers, I am delighted.

In the meantime, I am again an Acting Liaison Officer and myduties are what they once were. However, John Courtney requiresnone of the perks that Meg Thatcher expected me to provide.Inspector Courtney fetches his own dry cleaning. And he neithertorments, teases nor tempts me in any way.

Life is good.

* * *

Or it would be good, if I could only figure out what RayVecchio's shout in my dream, his shout, "Benny!" meant.Means.

Or what it means that Ray Kowalski and I are "home"to each other.

I am not a conventional thinker, nor is my Ray.

But clearly, we are more traditional in our thinking than not.

Because neither of us is willing to entertain the notion whichfollows from these simple facts. The notion that we are in lovewith one another.

Neither of us.

As long as we don't entertain that notion, then the subsequentnotion - the one we fear - need not be entertained.

The notion that "romantic love" ordinarily impliessexual love, as well.

We are neither of us willing to "entertain" thesenotions.

But we cannot avoid… avoiding them.

Oh, yes. We are in Chicago now for no other reason than thatwe did not and do not wish to be alone together to unravel thismystery.

Oh, yes, indeed.

* * *

Through it all, it is clear that we are not embarrassed aboutthis.

We accept without question our bond.

Both of us.

It is amazingly easy to avoid talking about anything morebecause my Ray and I are in complete agreement about that, as weare about so many many things.

Neither of us wants to talk about it. So we don't.

From: <MMayerMax@aol.com> To: <MRKS@onelist.com>Subject: [MRKS] FIC-"Benny!" 2/2 (Fraser/RayKowalski)Date: Sunday, January 16, 2000 7:29 PM

From: MMayerMax@aol.com

1/16/00

"Benny!" (Part 2/2) by Maxine Mayer, 1/16/2000

* * *

On a hot Summer day my Ray and I attend a Chicago P.D. picnicwith members of Lieutenant Welsh's department. Several formermembers of the department are there as well. Elaine, Huey andDewey. Others whom I have never met. It is a lovely day and thegroup is in very good spirits. Shy as he is, even my Ray seems tobe happy and carefree this afternoon.

We picnic on the lake shore about an hour's drive from Chicagoproper. It is extremely hot. I wear a pair of newly purchasedshorts under my jeans. When a softball game is begun I strip offmy jeans and t-shirt and put my sneakers back on. It is too warmto play wearing so many clothes.

My Ray finds an extra baseball cap somewhere and brings it tome. "Don' want ya to get sunstroke, Frase," he tells mewith a laugh. "And put your t-shirt back on. Ya don' wannabe burned to a crisp, do ya?" Then he joins Ray Vecchio andothers on his "team" who have congregated across thegrass several meters away.

"How ya doin', Constable?" Lieutenant Welsh asks. Heis on my "team." But we are standing a short distancefrom the rest of our fellow ball players, out of earshot ofanyone who knows us.

"I'm very well, Lieutenant," I reply. "It isgood to be home."

"Home?" Welsh's eyebrows go up. "Thought youreally missed the snow and the cold up in Canada."

"I thought I did, as well."

"So, you're glad to be back. How about your friendKowalski? How's he seem to you?"

"How do you mean, sir?" I ask, consternation puttinga frown on my brow.

"Don't get me wrong, Constable. He's doin' real good downat the station. Even getting' along with Vecchio - which I didn'tthink would ever happen. Two of them seem to be friends,now."

"I'm very happy to hear that, sir."

"Yeah, well. When the time is right, I may even partnerthem up."

"I'm… I am surprised to learn that,Lieutenant."

"Yeah, well, I wouldn't dream a doin' it if you werestill comin' around, liaising with one or the other a them. Butsince you aren't -"

"Are you suggesting -"

"I'm not suggesting anything, Constable. They're doin'fine. Not as good as before - neither of them - but good enough,fer two dumb flatfoots who don't have enough smarts between themto rub together and build a fire."

I lift an eyebrow. "Ray Vecchio and Ray Kowalski are bothintelligent men, and excellent police officers, Lieutenant."

"Yeah, sure they are. Hang on ta your dreams, Constable,long as you need to. Far be it from me to screw around with aman's dreams."

I turn my eyes away from the play in progress - neither RayKowalski nor Ray Vecchio is on the field at the moment."What are you telling me, Lieutenant Welsh?"

"I'm not telling you anything, Constable. But if you wereto notice that Ray Vecchio is dying of loneliness and RayKowalski is dying of love, well - I wouldn't arrest you."

* * *

I am so shocked by Lieutenant Welsh's remarks that I cannotspeak. I swallow repeatedly.

I am frightened.

I dress quickly and leave the park. Automatically, I take mybearings and begin to walk in the direction of Chicago proper,toward my home. I do not stop to tell Ray Kowalski either that Iam leaving, or why.

"Dying of loneliness."

"Dying of love."

My God!

* * *

When I resumed my work at the Consulate, and Ray Kowalski wentback to police work, it never occurred to me to resume my oldways of involvement with his cases. And certainly, it was beyondthe boundaries of reason for anyone to expect me to involvemyself with Ray Vecchio's cases.

Certainly, I was bored with my duties at the Consulate butthat was not unexpected. I knew I would be bored. There isno… action, for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police inChicago. The action I'd seen here before was almost entirely dueto my involvement with the Chicago P.D. With Ray Vecchio and RayKowalski's cases. Not Consulate action.

Ray Vecchio is an old and dear friend but my situation withRay Kowalski makes it impossible for me to see Vecchio now. Andhowever friendly the two men seem to Francesca or even LieutenantWelsh, I know that they are not friends - not true friends - whenit comes to me.

And if they are partnered together on the police force - asWelsh told me he plans to arrange, if possible - I will be lesswelcome to work with them than if they are assigned casesseparately, as is the situation currently.

* * *

"Ray Vecchio is dying of loneliness."

"Ray Kowalski is dying of love."

* * *

I ignore the second remark Welsh made, concentrate on thefirst. My relationship with Ray Kowalski is not a subject I couldor should consider on my own. What we think about each other, howwe feel about each other, must be shared - or must not beconsidered at all.

* * *

Ray Vecchio has few friends.

>From what he told me over the years, I know that his youthwas not a happy one. His father was an unfortunate influence withwhom Ray Vecchio never got along.

His old friends from the neighborhood lived in fear of, oropposition to, or alliance with, the mobsters in their midst.

Ray Vecchio became a police officer, a lifelong continuationof his youthful struggle against the forces of evil in his homeneighborhood.

Ray Vecchio has few friends.

I was one of the few.

He left.

I left.

For him, I never truly returned….

Dying of loneliness….

"Benny!"

I understand.

* * *

"We must talk, Ray," I tell Ray Kowalski that nightat dinner in our favorite Chinese restaurant.

"What about, Frase?" he asks, looking away from hisplate to glance at me.

"About Ray Vecchio."

It is suddenly so quiet that I fear I have gone deaf.

"Yeah, sure, okay," my Ray finally replies."Here?"

"I'd prefer that, yes, Ray."

"Okay, shoot!"

"I understand now, why I dreamed about… RayVecchio."

"Yeah. Go on."

"His… cry, which seemed to me to be a cry of fear,was something different." I pause, less because I am unsureof how to proceed than because I am reluctant to proceed.

"Go on, Fraser," my Ray prods roughly.

"Before I talk about that, however, we must talkabout… us."

"What about us?"

I cannot tell whether my Ray is frightened as well as angry. Ipress on. "To do what I must do for Ray Vecchio, you and I,we - we must acknowledge what we mean to each other."

"We're friends. That good enough? Now, what aboutVecchio?"

"That is not good enough, Ray."

"Why not? It suits me fine."

"But it doesn't suit our… situation. What life iscalling upon us to do."

"What life is callin' upon you ta do, ya mean," myRay scoffs.

"Please don't make this more difficult than it is,Ray."

"What, ya want me ta make it easy fer you to say goodbye? Well, I won't."

Shocked, I stare at him. Finally, I tell him, "I couldnever say good bye to you, Ray. I love you. I believe that youlove me, as well. I - I know, now, that it is time for us to facethat, and everything that goes along with it."

He squints at me. "Everything that goes along wid it?Like what, Frase?"

"Like. Like… sex, Ray." I say on a sigh.

"Don't even go there, Fraser."

"Why not?"

"Why not!"

"Yes, Ray. Why not?"

"If you don't know, I can't explain it ta ya!" hehisses.

"Please don't be selfish, Ray."

"What are you talking about?"

"If we don't… accept our love for each other to thefull extent of it, we cannot do what needs to be done for RayVecchio."

"What the hell does he have ta do wid it? I am notgetting this, Fraser!"

"I cannot renew my friendship with Ray Vecchio if you andI do not move beyond our own friendship to a… to an…expression of our love."

My Ray runs his fingers through his hair. "An expressionof our love. What's dat mean, Frase? Sex, that means sex? Am Iright?"

"Yes, Ray," I reply quietly.

"Yer willin' ta sleep wid me, so you can 'renew yerfriendship' with that creep?"

"Ray!"

"Well, that's it, right? You wouldn't have said anything,done anything, if not fer him! He needs you, so right away yerready to turn our life upside down, so you can help him! Fuckin'creep!"

"Ray!"

"What makes you think I even wanna fuck you? Freak!"

"Ray!"

"What!"

"I love you. You love me. Don't do this."

"I'll do whatever I fuckin' feel like doin', freak!"

"Do you love me, Ray?"

"Who wants ta know? Ray Vecchio's best friend?"

"I want to know. Ray Kowalski's best friend."

"I dunno."

"You don't know whether you love me?"

"I dunno about the other stuff, the… sex." Hesounds as miserable as I've ever heard him.

"Look at me, Ray, please."

He looks at me. There are tears in his eyes, and fear so greatthat even I grow frightened although I will not stop, not foranything, not now. Never again.

"What?"

"Do you find me attractive?" I ask, echoing hisquestion to me so long ago.

"Ya mean," and he grins, "as a woman?"

"You know what I mean, Ray." I keep my face schooledin a stern expression. I must not let him make a joke of this.Whatever we decide, we must come away from this discussion with adecision.

"Yer beautiful, Fraser. You know dat."

"That wasn't the question, Ray."

"Yeah, you're attractive."

"Neither was that the question."

"I forget the question."

"I asked whether you find me attractive."

"Like in, do I want to sleep with you, attractive?"

"Yes."

"How about you?"

"I already answered that question, Ray, a long time ago.Now, it is your turn."

"Yeah."

"Would you give me the respect to answer me with a fullsentence, Ray?"

"Yeah, I find you attractive enough to sleep wid, if Igotta," he has the nerve to reply, and then to grin.

I ignore the jibe and ask one more question. "And do youlove me enough to sleep with me?"

"What if I say no? Do I lose what we got now?"

"Yes." True enough. The line has been crossed. If hesteps back now, I will be left on the other side, and he will bealone. And so will I.

"Then - okay." When I don't respond he adds, "Ilove ya enough to sleep wid you. More than enough." Anotherpause. "Ben."

* * *

Every emotion that I have been holding in check during thisconversation comes to life, overwhelming me. I am dizzy andnauseous and my insides seem to be churning like a very roughsea.

"Fraser? Ben? You sick?"

I nod. Take a short breath. "I - get me to the rest room,please, Ray."

"Yeah, come on."

* * *

Ray Kowalski takes charge after our talk. Never have I neededthat more.

I am trembling, terrified, my bones feel like jelly in myskin.

I know nothing about sex with a man. Nor does my Ray. But he'snot afraid, not now.

I don't know why not, but he isn't and I am very happy that heisn't.

He makes it so easy, so natural… I never dreamed sexcould be so easy, so natural. So… happy.

>From the first kiss, easy, natural, happy.

I am very grateful to him, and I tell him so.

* * *

The smile on Ray Vecchio's face when I join him for breakfastin his favorite coffee shop is breathtaking. He is very happy tosee me.

"Benny!" he cries, half-rising in his seat, andgesturing to me to sit down across from him. "What are youdoin' in the old neighborhood? Thought you live farther uptown,with Ray."

I take off my Stetson and place it carefully at the far sideof the booth and join Ray. "I came to see you, Ray. To havebreakfast with you."

"That's great, Benny! I missed you! Tell me all about upnorth, your adventures in Canada with the little twerp! Butfirst, let's get ya some breakfast! Waitress!"

I smile. "Twerp, Ray? That's no way to refer to yourfriend, is it?"

"Hey, he's a twerp! I like ta call a spade, aspade."

"But he's our twerp, isn't he, Ray?"

There's a stillness from Ray Vecchio that I can feel from thetop of my head to the soles of my boots. He cocks his head,squints at me. Then he smiles. "Our twerp, Benny?"

"Yes, Ray."

"You and Kowalski?"

I cannot tell by his expression what Ray Vecchio is thinking.But I repeat, "Yes, Ray."

"Kinda sudden, isn't it, Benny?"

"Not really, no."

"But you weren't… doin' it, before, were ya?"

"No, Ray, we weren't."

"So - like - outta the blue, you and him start doin'it?"

"Not exactly, no."

"So, like - it's none a my business, long as you'rehappy, Frasier."

"I am happy, Ray." I smile.

Ray Vecchio smiles.

Our smiles broaden until we are laughing, laughing likemadmen.

Finally, when our laughter dies away and Ray Vecchio wipes thetears of laughter from his eyes, he asks, with a small shake ofhis head, "What does he call ya, Frasier?"

"Freak," I reply without hesitation.

"Yeah, well…." Ray Vecchio laughs some more."So, like, he doesn't call ya Benny, does he?"

"No, he doesn't call me Benny, Ray."

"So, I can still call ya Benny, then, right?"

"I'd be honored, Ray."

"Va bene, Benny," Ray Vecchio tells me, tearsthreatening to mar his smile. "Congratulations!"

"Thank you kindly, Ray."