From: <Andreshan@aol.com> To: <MRKS@onelist.com>Subject: [MRKS] FIC: Windows 1/1 Date: Monday, December 27, 19995:57 PM

From: Andreshan@aol.com

Disclaimers: They're mine! Well at least in *my* delusionalmind. Most sane people seem to think they belong to Alliance, onthe other hand.

Ratings: Good Question, I guess R for a swear word or two.

Pairings: RayK/Fraser... Who else?

Notes: This is my attempt to kick my Muse in the arse and jumpstart her, after a month and a half with no Word Processingproggie *whimper* (wordpad just doesn't cut it for me). SpecialTYK to Kellie for a quick Beta, and assuring me that it wasindeed *my* Muse come to visit, and not Pod!Muse who'd somehowkidnapped and/or otherwise absconded, folded, spindled, ormutilated Andre!Muse.

Windows By Andre

All the things I see when I look into your eyes are almostscary. There's so much there, so many depths and layers. Yeah,layers. Good word. Your kind of word.

Hurt. The hurt is what I can always see first. Makes mewonder. Wonder who could've hurt you like that. Who would *want*to hurt you like that? What kind of sicko would a person have tobe? I mean, I know you're human, inti… intole…intellectually, but you're still pretty much perfect. I knowthere was a woman, but I'm too afraid to ask. Too afraid to openmy mouth and watch that pain I see grow, maybe spill over. I justcan't bring myself to hurt you by asking. Was it the woman? Wasit Vecchio? Maybe someday you'll let me in enough to know theanswer.

Deeper I see… what is it I see? Disappointment. Yeah,that's it. You being you. You being too hard on yourself, toostubborn. You're a better person than most of us can ever hope tobe, but I somehow get the feeling that you don't think you'regood enough. If this thing between us didn't scare me shitless,I'd tell you that. I'd tell you how good your soul is. How I'venever met a kinder person in my life. But would you listen? Sure,you'd *hear* me, probably go 'hmmm' or 'ahhh', but would youreally *get* it. Are you *ready* to get it?

Dig a little deeper, and I see loneliness. Damn, moreloneliness than I ever felt since me and Stell split up. So muchloneliness it scares me thinking I could never make that go away,no matter how hard I tried. I'd risk just about anything to makethat go away though. You don't deserve to know that kind ofloneliness.

Past that I see the fear. But it isn't just one kind of fear.There are so many kinds running around in your eyes. You'rescared of screwing up. I get that. Boy, do I get that. I've got alifetime's experience at screwing up. But you, that I don't get.You probably screw up less than the average ten people allsmacked together.

Then there's another fear. The kind of fear I see when the Ice Queen or Frannie give you a certain look. That 'I want a big,Mountie Popsicle, and you're it' look. Shit, come to think of it*I* would be scared if either of them looked at me like that.Maybe I don't blame you for that one.

But I've got your number. You're scared of letting anyone in.Letting anyone get under your skin. Used to drive me nuts in theworst way. Drove me to jump Bogart all over you by the lake. Youwere too afraid to trust. Anyone. Even me. But we worked that outdidn't we buddy? Yeah, we did. You let me in, Benton-buddy, andnow I'm staying. Like a bad rash. I ain't going anywhere. Ever.Just you and me. Now if I could just *tell* you that. But that's*my* fear. My fear that's keeping me from opening my mouth andtelling you just how I feel. How I want to make you feel.

Mum always had this expression about eyes being the windows toa person's soul. I've seen your soul, Fraser. I want to be a partof it in the worst way. Want to share that with you.

The way you're already a part of mine.

-fin-